I'm Done Feeling Like A Skeleton
by Someone Who Knows
Summary: Lorraine Walker has it all. The beautiful life. But when her father's secrets threaten her entire family, everyone discovers she's got secrets of her own, and that maybe, just maybe, she's not as perfect as everybody thinks.
1. The Last Goodnight

**Chapter One**

**_The Last Goodnight_**

It was a quiet day. The common room was empty. The rooms were closed. The only movement came from one door, the right one to the end. Lorraine Walker browsed through the pages of a library book as she scribbled some notes into the notebook resting on her lap. It was a Thursday afternoon and no where to go. At least, no where for her.

But she had to admit, though her roommates had left her in the devastation of loneliness, she had managed to get most of her work done. She would be free when the weekend arrived and then, then she could do whatever the hell she wanted.

She was almost too wrapped up on her fantasies of a romantic weekend that when her cell phone abruptly interrumpted the state of peace she had created, it scared her, and the simple movement from her back and legs, caused her things to fall down to the floor. She didn't mind them as she leaned towards her nightstand to retrieve her phone. It was her mother...again.

Sometimes when people don't answer it's because they don't want to be found.

Lorraine rolled her eyes at and answered. She barely managed a "hello?" when her mother went on about it. "Yes, Mom, I'm fine. Live and in stereo." Nora didn't find her daughter's three day MIA amusing. She scowled her youngest through the line. "Mom! Calm down. And take a deep breath." Of course she was making fun of her mother.

Lorraine glanced out her window. She was incredibly glad, as she sighed in relief, no FBI agents were there on her behalf. When Nora calmed down, she went directly to the point of her call.

"Lorraine, sweetie, at what time is your flight landing?" Lorraine frowned for a moment as she closed the curtains. "Excuse me? What- what flight?" She tried to remember anything that she might have overlooked, but she couldn't figure it out. It was late September, or was there some unknown holiday she should know of?

"Well, a flight home, of course! Don't tell me you didn't book a flight. Lorraine! It's your sister's birthday for crying out loud." Lorraine's eyes widened. That was this weekend? For reals? "Oh you gotta be kidding me." She murmured away from the phone.

All those plans, all that work, her dream of a romantic weekend with Damon, they were all washed away by the mere presence of her mother. Even at different coasts she still managed to intrude in her private life. Oh Lorraine just wanted to kill her.

She leaned against the wall, yearning for an excuse to free herself from this one. It's not that she didn't like Kitty or that she didn't want to be with her. It's just that she had planned this weekend for over two weeks now! It wasn't fair. Besides, Kitty would have tons of more birthdays.

No one could complain or even mutter a word. The youngest Walker never missed a single family event. That was, of course, until she started college. But that was acceptable. It had to be.

So she took a deep breath and determined herself to win this round. She decided to put in practice what she had learned in class. Her negotiation skills should pay off now. "Mom, no. I can't. You see, I have a very important exam I have to study for and I just can't go." Her go-to answer for everything.

To say Nora wasn't happy seems like an understatement. "It's your sister's birthday for God's sake! You should be here!" Lorraine used Nora's words against her. "Mom, I'm so glad you have finally decided to put your differences aside and clear things with Kitty." That had Nora silent for a moment.

"Before I tell you anything else, Lorraine Walker, you must know that I love your sister very much and nothing will ever change that. As for you little missy, you get yourself on the next fly to L.A. and-" Nora was interrumpted. Lorraine placed her ear closer into the phone. She wanted to hear what was going on but the only thing she made out was some buzzing. Stupid reception.

"Lorraine, dear, your mother's right." Lorraine was almost shocked when she heard her father's voice. For the past month, she had only heard from her mother, and wondered if the rest of the family was still alive and standing.

When she didn't say a word, William continued. "It would be very important for the family if you would come and visit. Birthdays should be sacred moments. Actually, all family events should we sacred. You never know how much time we got left together." Lorraine played with the ends of her golden hair. She was losing.

"Now, I understand you have an exam this weekend? I'm willing to phone the coordinator and get you a chance to write it later, if, of course, you accept to come." She groaned. The offer was tempting… She looked through her agenda and then towards her things on the floor. Economy exam on Monday. She could very much take advantage of the opportunity.

"Okay, fine," She sighed. "But under one condition." Her father listened carefully. "I get to bring Damon."

* * *

"Meet your family? Are you very much insane?" For Damon Lefebvre the mere thought of being within a hundred mile radius of the Walkers was beyond frightening. Not that he knew it from experience but the way Lorraine made all her childhood and family stories sound, well, it was enough to scare the shits out of anyone.

"I guess I am." She said. She placed her arms around his waist and squeezed him gently. Damon kissed the top of her head and brushed away some of her hair. "And I wouldn't have it any other way." He said. He lifted her chin up and gazed into her eyes.

_Her hair was gold. Light sleek blonde hair that waves till the lower part of her shoulders. Her eyes were a deep bondi blue. Mysterious and charming. She had William's eyes. But Lorraine's were her own. They were like two balls of piercing ice that could be lively and reckless and kind one moment and blazing with anger the next. The smile, her smile was lively and young and made her laugh so contagious. It was the laugh of a ten year-old on a sunny day. And her body to-die for, wrapped in preppy girl clothes and standing at 5'10. She knew she was beautiful._

She stared deeply into his.

_His hair was dark, a deep intriguing shade of chocolate brown. It was soft and fine. His eyes were a deep sky blue. Fathomless and full of light. They were piercing eyes that locked you into his charming smile. He wasn't as muscular as other boys and he was a little slimmer. But he stood tall and lean at 5'11 with an engaging laugh and grace. To say he was gorgeous seems like an understatement._

He leaned in slowly and kissed her. Like the very first time he kissed her and the times that happened after that. Their lips moved slowly. It was like leaving a part of you with the other person. Tracing magic into their mouth and filling it with love. His kiss was something Lorraine would never forget. It was kind and gentle.

"So is that a yes?" She said between breaths. "We can still get our weekend. We'll check in early and sneak out reliving our teenage years." Damon chuckled. "Oh the high school glory days. They are surely missed."

Damon had told Lorraine most of his adventures when he was a wild and reckless teenager. Now he was just a wild and reckless "adult" (with no real meaning to the word). Lorraine always wondered and fantasized that if they had both been on the same school, with the way she was back then, they would've been badass. Too bad Damon grew up in Manhattan's Upper East Side.

They broke apart, though much to their displeasure. Damon sat down at the edge of the bed and started playing with an old baseball. "So, what time are we leaving then?" Lorraine smiled, real big and pleased. She turned towards her computer and browsed through her email. She had made the reservations as soon as her father "obliged" her to. They were to be at Logan's International Airport the next day at ten. Four hours from coast to coast. "Tomorrow, at eleven. We'll arrive, hopefully at three, or whatever the time is when we get there, to Los Angeles, then take a thirty/forty minute drive to Pasadena."

Damon chuckled. "I have always admired your organization. Wish I had that for myself." Lorraine rolled her eyes. "Don't worry, I can have everything under control for both of us." "Hmm. Amen to that." And she got on top of him and made out.

And so, the next day, with bags in hand, they arrived at the airport. And while they were waiting for their flight to be called, Lorraine's phone went nuts. It was Tommy, and Justin, and even Kevin. These people really need a life. I mean, who in their right mind is up at eight when they don't absolutely have to? She thought as she answered the multiple conversations.

"Hey Lo-Lo! What time am I picking you up?" Tommy greeted her. "Whoa, hold on a second! If anyone's picking Lorraine up is me." Kevin interrumpted. "Are you both nuts? We all know the real reason she flew 2,000 miles is because she can't stand the two of you. I'm the one picking her up." Lorraine sighed, tilted her head to the side and counted the seconds it took her brothers to figure out the conversation wasn't only between the three of them.

Damon smiled at her and she winked. "Lo?" She cleared her throat. "Yeah?" "Who is it gonna be then?" Kevin asked. Lorraine wondered for a moment. "You know what guys, I think I'm just gonna take a cab and see y'all at home." But she didn't hang up for the amusement to listen to their reactions.

"No!" They shouted and she had to pull the phone away. "I'm not about to let my sister, whom I haven't seen in over four months, ride home alone." She abstained from dragging Damon into the conversation. She wasn't sure they knew he was coming and she wanted to keep him as far away from her family as possible.

That stopped being a possibility though, when she brought him along.

She sighed. "Fine. Tommy, my flight arrives at three. See ya then." And she hanged up. She put her phone on her pocket and turned to look at Damon, who seemed to be enjoying the whole thing too much. She leaned on him. "I know they have their faults and their issues, but they're always there." She paused for a moment before adding. "In a kind of stalkerish way, though." He chuckled and caressed her soft skin.

"Lorraine! Lorraine! Over here!" Lorraine turned to the left as she heard her name being called. She saw her oldest brother waving at her. She smiled and hurried toward him. "Tommy!" He wrapped his arms around her, lift her up, and spun her around. "Oh my God! I've missed you!" He put her down and kissed her cheek.

"I missed you too." She said. "So how's everything? How's Julia?" "Great, great." He paused for a moment and then leaned in to whisper on her ear. "Don't tell the family, okay? But we're trying to see if we can get pregnant. You know, she's been dreaming of having a family and I think it's time." Lorraine quickly hugged her brother. "That's great. That's wow. I promise to keep my mouth shut." She said.

"Good." He said. "So, let's go." "Wait, I still need to get my things." "Okay, I'll help you." She was about to say something when Damon walked out the gate carrying their two bags. "You won't believe how long I had to wait for-," He paused. "Oh."

There was a moment of awkwardness as Damon and Tommy locked eyes. To run or not to run? That is the question. Perhaps hop on the next flight back? But Lorraine knew a meeting was inevitable; after all they had been dating for what? Two years now? That long?

"Tommy, this is Damon Lefebvre. Damon, this is my older brother, Tommy." Damon extended his hand and Tommy took it without a question. He gave Damon a welcome smile and Lorraine took that as a great sign.

"Okay, then, let's get going."

The ride home was everything but silent. Lorraine missed those long deep conversations riding shot gun.

"So, is it Kitty home yet?" She asked. "Yeah." "Is there going to be a Mom/Kitty war?" Tommy chuckled for a moment. "Well, when I left them everything seemed fine. We're having a pool party so I guess it's gonna be easy enough to keep them from abruptly killing each other." Lorraine nodded and sighed for a moment.

"What? What happened between your mom and your sister?" Lorraine smiled and turned back towards Damon. "Well, let's just say that Mom and Kitty aren't the best of friends. They used to get in these big ugly fights over the tiniest of things." She turned to look forward. "I think it was unspoken anger they were holding on to. Either way, it came a moment when Kitty just had enough and she left, for New York. It was the Kitty/Mom Cold War back then."

Lorraine rested her head on the window as Tommy mainly interrogated Damon. They seemed to be getting along fine. Just friendly basic questions.

She remembered those days, two years ago and the time before that, and how college just seemed to come around at the best of time. But still, even 2,000 miles away, she missed them, because they made her feel at home.

Half an hour later, they arrived at the big house. The first thing Lorraine did as the car came to a stop and the engine died was run towards the garage, to see her baby. She didn't care about the mocking comments from Tommy or how there were people inside anxious to see her. All she wanted was to make sure Justin had followed instructions and taken care of it.

She removed the big cloth to reveal _her_. Alegria was a Ford white Mustang SVT Shelby GT 500 with pink stripes over it. It had been her Sweet Sixteen present and she just loved it.

She felt a hand over her shoulder as she was about to hug the car. "Nice ride." Damon said. Lorraine smiled and leaned on his shoulder. "Yeah. Her name's Alegria." Damon chuckled. "You named your car?" He asked as if the mere thought was ridiculous. "Hey," She punched lightly. "Shut up! Some guys name their penises, so why can't I name my car?" Damon shrugged and she just rolled her eyes. She put the cloth away and they walked towards the house.

Tommy was waiting for them at the foyer and he took her hand to lead her into the kitchen.

"Hey everybody, look who's here!" He exclaimed.

The look on everybody's faces, of surprise and happiness and joy, like it had been four years instead of four months.

Nora was the first to reach her. She wrapped her hands around her and squeezed her so tight that her daughter had to gasp for air. She placed her warm hands on either cheek and took a good look at her. Lorraine was feeling self-conscious. What if she noticed?

"Good heavens, Lorraine, don't they feed you properly?" Lorraine just smiled. So you make your face a mask. A mask that hides your face. A face that hides the pain. The pain that eats your heart. The heart that no one knows about.

And her mother noticed her thinning face. All the weight you lost. All the weight you're losing.

And one by one she greeted everybody until she came across her dad. William Walker stood high. His smile was happy and his eyes were proud. He got his little girl home again. "Hey, Daddy." She said hugging him. "Hello, sweetie." He hugged her back. And for a moment, she was that little girl again.

He kissed her on the forehead. Then he wrapped one arm around her waist and Lorraine waited for Damon to be brave enough to step inside the kitchen.

He smiled nervously and she walked towards him to be supportive. "Everyone, I want you to meet my boyfriend, Damon Lefebvre." She smiled.

"So you're the boy who stole my little girl's heart." William walked over to greet Damon. "Hello, sir." They shook hands firmly. "Pleasure to meet you, young man." Lorraine stole a glance towards her father and he winked for a split second, enough for only her to notice.

"So, where's the birthday girl?" Lorraine asked. "Outside, with Sarah." Tommy spoke.

Lorraine walked outside and looked around. That pool looked irresistible. She remembered how warm California was. A few of the disadvantages of living in Massachusetts, a three month summer and that's it.

"Oh my God! Oh my God! You're really here!" Kitty said as she spotted her sister walking down towards her. Lorraine smiled and held her arms towards her. "But of course I'm here. You really think I would miss this?" Lie. "I even brought You-Know-Who." She said quietly.

Kitty eyed her surprised. "Really? What did Dad say?" Lorraine chuckled. "He was nice and he gave me the wink! I really hope the money's on this one." Kitty smiled and lead Lorraine towards Sarah. The three of them had some serious catching up to do.

* * *

"Ah, it's such a relief when they're finally asleep." Sarah sat down next to Lorraine. "Kids?" Asked Joe as he placed a dirty dishcloth over his shoulder. "No, the folks." She winked at Lorraine as she took a sip of her beer.

"Whoa, whoa." Kevin interrumpted taking the beer away from Lorraine's hand before she could take another drink. "Legal age is still twenty-one." Lorraine groaned at him. "I'll be twenty-one in two months. Don't be such a-" "Watch what you say, Lo, Damon here is still a virgin." Tommy patted Damon's shoulder. Damon just chuckled and Lorraine winked at him.

"Whatever. Kevin!" Lorraine said walking towards her brother and punching him on the shoulder. "Fine. But if Dad asks, you pin me down and took it." She chuckled. "Sure." She drank it triumphant.

"You know Sarah," Entirely different conversation going on. "They actually seem pretty great." Kitty said walking into the pantry. In her thirty-seven years, she's never seen a couple more in loved than her parents.

"Hey, does anybody want to go out? There's this great bar in Chinatown we could tear up." The offer seemed tempting, but Lorraine had already decided she would turn in early. "Do they allow people with jobs to go there?" Jerk. She shot a glare to her older brother, but he didn't see her. "Or is it for unemployed hipsters who know every episode of Scooby." She shot a glare to Kevin too.

"No, it's also kind of a favorite to veterans from foreign wars." Oh damn. Lorraine bit her lower lip as she tried to ignore the sudden moment of awkwardness. Well, she saw it coming.

Justin chuckled nervously as he turned towards Kitty. "Ah, you?" "No, I'm on New York time." He turned towards Damon and Lorraine. "What about you guys?" Lorraine shook her head. "Actually we're too going to turn in early." Justin nodded. "All right, ciao everyone." "Bye, thanks. You guys are all really nice." Lorraine smiled at the girl. What else could Fawn say? She chuckled at the irony.

And then, they left, and Lorraine leaned on Damon who played with her hair.

"Obviously, I'm worried." Kitty broke the small silence. "You know, I keep telling you guys, he's okay, he's just finding himself." Julia leaned on the counter. "Yeah, I think so too. Y'all do the Walker Watch on him, anybody gets spook by that." Joe purposely turned to look at Damon. "God, he's right. That's why I don't live here." Lorraine raised her bottle. "And amen to that, Kit." She said.

"Yeah, if you lived here you'd have more control over what's said about you." Kevin said. "Well, do you think I care- what do you say about me?" Kevin could hardly control his laughter. "You're fat." And then, Kitty attempted at a punch, and the rest just laughed.

"So you and Mother, not a disaster, right?" Tommy said between sips. "Oh, maybe she's planning a sneak attack for later." "Well, I'm surprised you didn't bring your muscle." Could Kevin just shut up? "What's up with Jonathan, anything you want to tell us?" Lorraine took Damon's hand and held it gently.

Kitty chuckled. "No." Her laugh was nervous. "Sarah what did you tell 'em." This was not gonna end well. "Nothing." Sarah quickly defended herself as she hit Kevin. "No, no, nothing. What- no, we, we like him." There's a first. "Oh. But?" "But it's you with him I'm not over the moon about. You seem slightly, I don't know, smaller. To accommodate what you see as his very large presence." "He's a little self-involved." Sarah added. "Oh, that is so not true." Kitty said. "Yeah, I happen to agree with Kitty. I mean, aren't we all." Lorraine said. Tommy winked at her, but Kevin, who the comment was directed to, just ignored her.

"Oh, when we had dinner in New York last year, he chose the restaurant, the wine, everything. I was like 'Where's Kitty'." "Oh God, that's absolutely not true!" "Hey, maybe it's just part of the whole conservative anti-feminist thing, right? To put yourself in some sort of second place." Oh God not with politics again. Lorraine sighed as she leaned on her chair to prepare herself for the fight.

"You know what Kevin, you're gonna have to get over thinking that my politics are just poses geared to annoy you." But of course Kitty got defensive. She's always the one that gets judged for being a Republican.

"About Jonathan," Sarah tried to calm Kitty. "It's not really our place. If Kitty's happy-" "No, no, hey, hey, no. Look, not at all." But Kevin had to interrupt, again. "I can't keep a guy. Joe and Sarah are in counseling. Whole family's whacked." Lorraine had to cover her mouth as she choked on her drink. What? The whole family's what? She's been gone four months and all this happened? Geez.

She wanted to say something, defend herself, but Sarah beat her.

"What?" Sarah turned to look at Kevin. "Oh, that's great! That's great. I told one person! Kitty!"

"You know, forget about Jonathan and the fact you think I'm some horrifying little zombie with him. I am sick of the cracks about my political beliefs. I am a conservative." Kitty shrugged. "Tough on crime, big on defense, America first, old-fashioned and in your face." "I'm with you there, Kit." Tommy winked. "And if you think this is funny, great. I'm glad to be of comic service. But you keep on laughing and watch the rest of the country pass you by." And with that Kitty left the kitchen, and Lorraine had to bit her lip to prevent from laughing.

"You set her off, Kevin." Sarah said. Lorraine chuckled. "Yeah, you set me off, Kevin!" Kitty yelled from the distance. And they all laughed.

"Oh well," Lorraine said as she stood up from her chair. "We're off, people." "Lorraine Walker turning in early? Now that's a new one." Lorraine smiled at Kevin. "You already lost against Kitty; you don't want to lose against me too." She said winking at him.

"You guys are staying at a hotel or…?" Sarah asked. "No, I told Mom we could stay here if she let us have our own room." "Oh. So turning in early, huh?" Lorraine winked at her older sister. "Bye guys." She took Damon's hand and headed for their room.

"I'm sorry you had to witness that." Lorraine said as she lay next to him on the bed. They had decided to put off the romance for later. The time zones had really messed with their sleep.

Damon smiled as he moved her hair away from her face. "I'm not. It was fun. Though I gotta ask Joe and Julia how they do it. You know, be immune to all of them."

Lorraine smiled. "I know they're not perfect, but they're real. Sometimes they're too real they scare me." Damon kissed her gently. "You don't have to be scare. I'll protect you no matter what." And with another kiss he wrapped his arm around her and held her close. She closed her eyes and fell asleep.

It was noon when Lorraine finally opened her eyes. She turned to look at the left side of the bed. It was empty. Damon was running around the house without protection? Okay, that sounded weird, even on her thoughts.

She walked towards the kitchen as she heard laughs. "Oh hey, darling." Nora greeted her. "Damon and I were just finishing up Kitty's cake." "Oh." Damon walked up to her and kissed her on the forehead. "Good morning, babe." She smiled at him and walked over to glance at the cake.

"I know it's a little late, but we didn't want to wake you. You seemed really tired." "I was. Thanks." "So, you want some breakfast?" Nora asked yearning for the stove.

Lorraine shook her head. She didn't eat breakfast. "No, thanks. I want to save my appetite for later." Lie but no one noticed.

"Good. You know Lorraine you have a really nice boy here." Nora said patting Damon's arm. It was funny how he was too tall for her. "Damon and I have been getting along just fine. He's a great cook and he surely knows how to make me laugh." "Oh, Nora, please." Damon said helping her with the dishes. "I'm merely being myself." Lorraine chuckled. She was glad her mother liked him. There was a first. Normally, Nora absolutely hated the guys she hanged out with. She thought they were all "bad". Good thing her mother couldn't see the devil in skin-tight leather behind Damon's charm.

And so, between laughs and pleasant conversations, Lorraine and Damon helped Nora set up for Kitty's party. Until the youngest Walker excused herself to go get ready. And that's when she heard the door open. Someone was early.

She finished fixing her earrings and made her way downstairs towards the kitchen. But she heard the voices so she stood silently at the other side of the door and listened.

"You don't have an opinion, Mom?" "Oh, Kitty, please. Please don't push me. I'm trying so hard." "Well, I see that. I see you bending over backwards to be polite." Lorraine could just imagine it. And she rolled her eyes. It really annoyed her when her mother did that. "If you want my opinion if you should marry a man I barely know…"

"Well, it was your choice." Kitty interrumpted her. "You're the one who virtually refused to be in my life for three years, who barely spoke. And I know it's because I unforgivably gave my opinion about Justin." Lorraine gulped. She wasn't sure she wanted to keep listening but she stayed because she was nosy. "Not refused. Couldn't. I was afraid of the things I didn't want to say." "Well, let's just say it. That I sent Justin to war. That I put him on the front lines. That's reductive. That's ridiculous."

Lorraine could hear Kitty's voice shaking and she sighed looking down. "He trusted you. He asked you. And you said to him that he..." "Oh please, I told him what I would tell him today. I told him that I was proud of him. I was there. I was right there. I was in New York. I was six blocks from where the towers fell." "I know where you were, Kitty. For God's sakes, you're my child. I was terrified for you. I was on the phone with you. And then, I was terrified for him. Day after day after day. You have no idea… what it's like for a mother. You have no idea." Now her mother's voice was shaking too.

"And then you don't think about that when you go on the air and you sell your views. And now you're gonna be doing it on national television. Oh Kitty, that's just great. Really great." There was a moment of silence. Lorraine understood what her mother was saying, but she also understood what Kitty was saying. She was not a Republican but even if she was she understood why Kitty did the things she did. It was not to annoy her mother. One had to be faithful to their beliefs. They make you. If you don't stand up every day and fight for them, then who the hell are you?

"No, Mom," Kitty's voice lowered. Lorraine knew she would start crying any minute now. "This is not just about my politics. Tommy and Dad think the same things I do, and you've managed to reconcile forty years of loving somebody who fundamentally disagrees with you. But you can't love me. And I don't know what it's about. But it's not about the war."

Lorraine sighed and walked away. Kitty was right. It was not about the war.

She walked upstairs to her room and shut the door behind her. Locked it. She let herself fall at the foot of the door. She didn't want to cry. She had just done her make-up. But she did replay everything Kitty and Mom had said. Was it true? Did Nora only loved what went her way? What would happen if she found out? What would happen if her mother found out she wasn't perfect? It scared her to think she would be on her own. That's why no one could know.

She looked at herself in the mirror as she placed her hand over her neck as if she was choking. No one would ever know. That was a promise.

* * *

By the time everyone was seated, the news of Kitty and Mom's fight was all over. But everyone just ignored it. It didn't do to dwell on it.

Lorraine looked around at her family with a smile. It feels like home.

"All right, listen up," Her father said as he raised his glass. "A toast. To the birthday girl. Kitty. My beautiful girl. With you home, the circle is complete." Lorraine didn't bother to comment she was home too. She let her ego rest for the day. Though her father did wink at her and she just smile. "We're all here together. And I must announce with some trepidation, you're no longer grounded." They all laughed. How could they forget that little memory?

"Grounded?" Damon whispered in Lorraine's ear but before she could speak Justin answer the question. "When she was fourteen she was grounded indefinitely." "What for?" Jonathan asked. "Oh, something to do with cigarettes and surf wax." Kitty said. "And shoplifting…" Tommy said."And a boy named Pablo!" Lorraine almost yelled as she raised her glass in addition. "Pablo!" They laughed.

"Who's Pablo?" Little Coop asked his grandfather innocently. "A name I never wanna hear again." Lorraine sometimes fantasized of naming one of her kids Pablo, just to see what would happen.

"To my little sister, Kitty," Sarah began the toasts. "Who at age seven ate all my Girl Scout cookies, which prevented me from winning a trip to space camp, which completely destroyed my dream of becoming an astronaut." "Aw, poor baby." Lorraine playfully elbowed her sister. "To Kitty," Kevin said. "Because of whom, I am always invited to join the Log Cabin Republicans." "Oh, you know what? You should. They're great. They love me." Kitty said.

Lorraine cleared her throat as she raised her glass. "To Kitty, who is always insisting me that I move to New York with her and who always takes me shopping when I visit." Kitty smiled at her younger sister and she winked.

"To my big sister Kitty who taught me how to surf and how to kiss." Justin said. "Oh that is so not true. Justin, stop telling that story. It's not…" "My dear," William interrumpted Kitty as he motion for Nora to say something. Nora seemed hesitant.

"Uh, well, to Kitty," Lorraine rolled her eyes. "Who I will probably always violently disagree with, but who I've never stopped loving. Not for one moment of her thirty-eight years." Lorraine immediately took back the annoyed gesture towards her mother and smiled.

"Happy birthday, baby." William finally said. "Cheers."

Her siblings sat around the table browsing around Kitty's presents, competing against who had given her the best one. Lorraine hadn't gotten her a big thing. With such short notice that she was even coming, she had bought her the first thing she had found. Well, the first thing that reminded her of Kitty. Some crystal earrings.

"Would You Rather?" Justin suddenly said. "Yes! Come on." Kevin high-fived him. Lorraine whined. "No." "No, no, no, we won't play that disgusting game." Kitty spoke. "It's just fun." Justin said.

Then Sarah's phone rang and Lorraine watched her get up to check something.

"Okay, who should we start with…" Justin looked around. "Oh, Damon, you've been very quiet." Damon chuckled. "Have I?" "Would you rather swim in a pool of human blood for an hour, or hang upside down for eight hours?" "Justin!" Lorraine complained. "What kind of question is that?" But Justin ignored her.

"Well, if I was to hang upside down for eight hours, I would probably die and then I wouldn't be able to spend time with this beautiful girl, so swim in a pool of human blood." "Aw. That's the weirdest yet most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me." Lorraine said and kissed him. "Stuck up." Justin whispered and Lorraine threw him some curled up wrapping paper.

"Damon," Justin started again. "Would you rather be part of the incest taboo and only do it with your family or never have sex for the rest of your life?" "Justin! I thought the interrogating was only for Jonathan." She turned to look at Jonathan quickly. "No offense." "None taken." He said. "Oh, he's getting his as soon as I'm done with your boyfriend." Lorraine stuck out her tongue at him.

She turned to look at Damon, but he was highly amused. "Never have sex for the rest of my life." "Really?" Lorraine asked him. "Yeah, I mean, having sex with my family is just plain weird." "Oh." She said. "Why? Are you disappointed?" He asked as he started tickling her. "I will abstain from answering that question for my own good." She said. Justin and Tommy whistled at them.

Then Sarah walked into the room again and the expression on her face made Lorraine wonder if something was wrong. "Has anyone seen Dad?" She asked. "Outside with Paige." Joe answered.

"Jonathan," Justin managed to finally get his attention off Damon. "You ready for this? Would you rather have a railroad spike permanently in your head or take public transportation for the rest of your life?" But Lorraine didn't pay much attention to Sarah and concentrated on listening to what Jonathan had to say. He took a sip from his glass before answering. "Oh, the spike. Definitely."

"Jonathan." "All the questions cannot be for Jonathan." Kitty defended him. "Oh, come on." Justin said. "Yeah, we're just getting to know him. Like we are with Damon." Lorraine refrain from giving her brother the finger, even though she had every intention of punching him.

"All right everybody, cake time." Nora called from the kitchen.

Lorraine turned to look at the cake and came across Sarah's face again and her expression didn't change. "Sarah." She said, but just then a voice overshadowed hers. One voice stood above all the other sounds.

"Grandma!" And then they all heard the splash on the pool. "Grandma!" Paige called again desperately.

They all stood up as fast as they could and ran outside to see what had happened. Justin and Tommy immediately jumped into the pool as they saw how her father was floating on it. They swam towards him to get him out.

Kevin held Nora as she tried to free herself so she could jump into that pool and save her husband. Sarah hugged Paige and got her away from there. Kitty watched from a corner uncertain as to what to do. And Lorraine, she ran behind Joe, with Damon right behind her, to help Justin and Tommy get her father out.

Between the three of them, and the two inside the pool, they managed to pull William for some fresh air. Only Lorraine screamed horrified when she found out.

Her father lay dead at her feet.


	2. You Tried To Teach Me Right From Wrong

**Chapter Two**

**_You Tried To Teach Me Right From Wrong_**

Lorraine stayed home after that. She couldn't go back to school. Not yet, it didn't feel right. The whole house was radiating with a sort of unparalleled feeling. There was something missing. Indeed there was. She sighed as she placed the gold Tiffany key necklace, her father gave to her for her 21st birthday.

She liked it, because it reminded me of many things. The symbolism of it. A key could open many doors, but it could also close them. Just like trust, if you lost it, it was hard to earn it back.

She hadn't been doing a lot of crying. She couldn't find herself to. She had screamed in agony when she realized her father was dead at her feet. But now, Lorraine couldn't find any emotion to display.

She put on a black dress. It was knee length. She wore the oldest she could find for she knew that she would never be able to wear it again. Sometimes, she wished life could be disposable. You could just take the things that were so messed up and throw them away. Forget about them. Get rid of them. Forever.

There was a small knock on the door, but Lorraine didn't answer. As if reading her thoughts, the door opened. It was Kevin. "Lorraine, are you ready? We're leaving soon." He said. She merely nodded, before he closed the door. When she could no longer hear his footsteps she turned to look at herself in the mirror.

She hated doing so, because it was always a lie looking back at her. Who was the girl staring directly at her? Was she a figment of her imagination? Purposely created to mock her existence? She sighed. It was all fake. It was all superficial. Snapping her jewelry box shut, she grabbed her purse and headed out. Sometimes Lorraine wished she had been born someone else.

The ride was silent. She was riding with Tommy and Julia. Damon was in the back seat with her. He wanted to be with her through it all. She couldn't blame him. Even if there were no tears in her eyes, she still yearned for a reassuring face to tell her everything was going to be all right. Everything was going to be all right, and not be faking it.

The funeral was as any other funeral would be. Depressing, with an aura of dread hanging above it. She sighed as she watched the crowd coming along. She hated funerals. The whole aspect of it was overemotional. It was nice to remember someone, but their memory only brought pain to those left to deal with it.

Some people grief alone.

Lorraine walked towards them. She tried to smile but not even a fake smile appeared. Under the circumstances, people would understand. The Walkers gathered around the gravestone where William would be placed. They remained together as it began.

Sarah was the first to make her speech. But Lorraine's mind wandered off and she couldn't listen. She mostly looked down at the coffin. Damon had his arm around her, pulling her close. She was glad. At times it seemed as though the hole in the ground would suck her in.

She wanted to stand before everyone and say a few words too, but she couldn't find herself to even move. It was as if she was chained to the grass.

Voices muttered around her but she had ceased to listen. Until Damon turned her to face the people who, more out of respect than grief, gave their condolences and at times, even hugged her.

Of course, if they knew anything about her then they would know she didn't like to be hugged. It didn't matter now, though.

Lorraine walked towards Nora and hugged her because the situation demanded it. She wouldn't let go. The youngest Walker buried her head in her mother's arms although no tear spread across her face. It bothered her to an extent but she didn't dwell on it. Then Nora kissed her on the cheek as she let go.

Lorraine hugged Kitty, and Sarah, and Tommy, and Kevin, and Justin. She hugged her niece and nephew. She even hugged Julia, and Joe, and Saul. But the only hug that really mattered to her was Damon's. He wrapped his strong arms around her and gently stroked her hair. He kissed the top of her head and she was grateful he didn't say anything.

It's during funerals that people most yearn to feel numb. And she was so glad when it was over.

* * *

Three weeks had passed. It was early-mid October. Lorraine had decided to take a leave of absence from school. They couldn't tell her anything, for she had enough credits to graduate in December. And it seemed like the right thing to do.

Damon had to go back, though. She told him he needed to, even though he felt like he should stay by her side and make sure she was okay. It was nice of him, but there was some closure she felt she needed to make, and find the time to do so.

"Are you sure you want to stay here?" Lorraine heard Kevin say. "Yeah. Yeah, I have to." Kitty said in a convincing tone. "Mom needs me." She walked closer to the pile of boxes that rested on the living room. "Oh, my God, I have so much stuff."

"I know." Kevin replied as he lifted one of the boxes. "I'm starting to wonder what Jonathan got in the breakup." Lorraine frowned for a moment. She was listening from the bottom of the stairs. It had become a habit of hers to listen on other people's conversations.

"We are not broken up, Kevin." Kitty said in a tone Lorraine couldn't quite picture as defensive or indifferent. "This is just us giving each other a little space. He wants me to be here, and he wants me to do the show." "Sure he does." Kevin said. "So when does the show start, anyway?"

"Tomorrow. We're discussing ballot tampering in the swing states. You better watch it." Kitty said, picking up a box of her own. "Wow! Who said politics isn't sexy?" Kevin added.

Lorraine wasn't that into politics. She was majoring in International Affairs and Diplomacy, but the house kept putting her at such mood that she figured a little distraction could be in order.

She walked into the room and hurried to catch her sister, before she went up the stairs to settle in.

"Hey, Kitty?" She said. Kitty turned to look at her and smiled. "Hey, Lorraine. What's up?" "Do you mind if I go to the show with you, it's just that I'm really bored around here and I figure I could get an insight into politics, you know, for educational purposes." Kitty eyed Lorraine for a second. Sometimes she talked more grown up than she actually was. She had a feeling, though, that her little sister was just plain bored. So she accepted. "Sure. You can come."

"Okay, thanks." She said, before turning around and walking away. Lorraine knew it was probably rude not to offer helping with the boxes, but in all honesty she had no desire in doing so. Besides, Kevin was helping her already.

She noticed, Justin in William's office as she made her way to the garden. She stopped to see what he was doing. She leaned against the doorframe as she watched Justin scroll through her dad's Rolodex. "Hey. What are you doing?" She asked. Justin jumped as he heard the sound of his voice. He turned to look at her for a moment, with a look of surprise in his face, which he quickly covered with his normal cool.

"Geez, you scared me." He said. "Oh, I'm just looking Manny's information. You know, for thanking him for hiring me and stuff." Lorraine nodded. She looked at the index card he was holding but she wasn't able to read it from afar. "Okay." She said, but he was already making his way.

"Hey," She called after him. "Do you want to do something later. Catch a movie or something?" She asked. Justin turned to look at her, but he still kept making his way. "Uh, sure."

The minutes passed slowly and Lorraine stayed in her room. She was anxious. The door to her bathroom was locked and she stood topless in front of the mirror. She had been doing relatively well over the course of the month. She mostly ate rice cakes and protein bars to keep her energy flowing. It had been particularly easy after her father had died. No one was really paying attention to her. They were all busy dealing with things. But she didn't let her guard down.

She would take plates of food upstairs and then dump them in a garbage bag, which she got rid of almost immediately. She would fix everything neatly so it looked like she ate with left over crumbs. She was getting pretty good at faking it. But she wasn't pleased with the results. This time she had concentrated in her upper body. It was still full of fat in all the wrong places, and though her stomach had shrink, it was obvious there was still work to be done.

Lorraine remembered the first time she did it. She had just turned 21. Her life was spinning out of control. That night. The accident. The headlines the day after. No one knew. For a long time she blamed herself.

She wanted to take back her life. Then, she watched a friend struggle with her weight, and she listened. She listened very carefully and through it all. Before she knew it, Lorraine was throwing up in bathrooms and starving for days. It gave her a new aspect. She could control the outcome.

She had never been fat. She had always been slightly underweight. She was 5'10 and weighted 125 pounds. There was nothing to worry about, at first. She couldn't recall when or how or why. She just knew she had done it. She couldn't give up now.

She sighed in frustration as she watched her silhouette. She was disgusted. The voices faintly scowled her from the distance. _Stupid. Mean. Selfish. Weak. Fake. Lost. _And they shouted their advice in her ears. Lorraine didn't want to step on a scale. She was really tempted, but she was terrified of the number she would find.

She took it out from under the sink and placed it on the floor. One, two, three. She counted in her head. She couldn't do it… But she had to. She took a deep breath. One, two, three. She stepped on it and the number flashed before her. One hundred and ten pounds. Onehundredandtenpounds. Before she could react to it, she jumped away from it. Terrified beyond relief.

She told herself it was because she had her pants on. Because she wasn't fully naked. But she knew she was just lying to herself. _Stupid. Mean. Selfish. Weak. Fake. Lost… Liar! Liar! Liar. _The new word popped into her mind, angry in disbelief. Lorraine put on her blouse and fixed her hair. She had to get out of there. She put the scale back in its place and took a bunch of diet pills, which she swallowed dryly.

She had to get downstairs. There was the reading of the will. Lorraine sighed as she looked at herself in the mirror one last time. She had circles under her eyes. But it didn't alarm her. All seniors had dead eyes. She looked closely at her reflection. Soon she would know what her father left her, but it didn't matter. "You can't give me what I want, Dad." She whispered softly.

She walked into the dinning room, and took a seat next to Sarah. Kevin sat at the head of the table with that annoying little paper in hand. "Last piece of company business to be addressed is, of course, the line of succession at Ojai Foods." He said in his serious tone. Justin then, followed to interrupt him with the banging of his hands against the table. For the first time, Lorraine turned to look at him. She sighed. He was obviously high.

However, Kevin continued.

"Saul stays on as chief financial officer." He turned his attention to their uncle, which merely replied with a "As it should be". "Tommy continues as vice president of operations, and Sarah is to be president of the company." Tommy turned to look at Sarah, who looked at Kevin. Lorraine merely leaned against her chair. This is why she hated deaths.

"All personal assets obviously…" But Kevin trailed off as he noticed Tommy's expecting glance and the tension this last statement had created. "Dad's wishes, guys, okay? All personal assets obviously go to Mom and if and when Mom dies…" "Thank you for the 'if", Kevin. That was sweet." Mom interrupted. "You got it. The entire trust is then passed on equally to all of us… with one notable exception, and um, I apologize for having to be the one to say this to you." Kevin turned his attention to Justin. As did Lorraine, as did the rest of the family.

"What?" He said. "Dad set it up so, after Mom's gone, your share of the inheritance will be kept in a conservatorship." Kevin said.

For the first time, Lorraine actually looked surprised. One notable exception? You mean she was out of it? Lorraine had always imagined that she would surely be the one with all the strings attached, mainly because she was the youngest. But it seemed that age wasn't a matter that preoccupied William as much.

"Which is what? Like a museum?" Justin asked. "No, you'll get an allowance, and uh. And Kitty will be the-" "What? The babysitter?" He was trying to be funny, if so to hide his hurt. Lorraine couldn't blame him. The fact that William didn't trust him would've hurt even her. "Conservator." Kevin finished. Justin chuckled. "He knew how close you two are, so he figured-"

"What? That I was too messed up to handle my own finances?" Justin interrupted again. Lorraine remained silent, although he wanted to yell at him to just get over it. "No." Kevin tried. "That's it, right? I'm an idiot." "No." Kevin repeated. "When you're high like now, yeah." Tommy added to the, oh so wonderful conversation. "Go to hell, Tom." Justin answered him. "Why don't you go to hell, Stonehenge?" Tommy answered back.

"You know, Justin, we'll work something out." Kitty said, attempting to be sympathetic. "You know what? It's okay. It's fine, right? I mean, this is what. This is what Dad wants. He just limits me, not even his youngest daughter who can barely handle her life right? It's freaking perfect." For a moment, he points to Lorraine, then he goes back to his original position.

Lorraine doesn't say anything. She just listens. "Kevin, why didn't you tell me this before?" Nora asks. "Because I'm acting as a lawyer now, okay? Not as a son. I'm sorry." Justin sighs and walks away. Nora calls after him, but he doesn't listen. Why should he?

There is an awkward silence as he shuts the door and leaves. For a moment, Lorraine wishes he could take her with him. Since the meeting seems to be over, she stands up. She has to be anywhere but here.

* * *

Lorraine shut the door behind her. She took her cell phone out and dialed a number she knew too well. _"_Hey_, this is Damon. Leave a message." _Lorraine sighed in disappointment. She turned to look at her watch. He was in class, she should've known that, but she had wanted to talk to him so badly.

When the beep went off she spoke. "Hey babe, I miss you. Things seem to be settling here so I'll come back as soon as I can. Give me a call when you can. Bye." She pressed off far too hard and sighed in frustration. She had to do something other than sit around all day.

She heard the minutes tick by and she wondered maybe if any of her friends from high school would want to hang out. It had been so long since she last spoke to them. She started with Leighton first, her long-lost and recently found sister, but she didn't answer. Then she tried Dan, but it went straight to voice mail. Karen, Tuck, Reid, Alicia… One by one, each and every person she knew along the west coast ceased to answer her calls. What was it with them people?

Lorraine launched herself to the bed. Well, she might as well go for a run. She was about to change into more comfortable clothes when she heard a loud bang coming from downstairs. She hurried down to find her mother standing on a chair, broom in hand, and what was left of the fire alarm lying on the floor.

"Mom, are you okay?" She asked in a cautious tone. Nora looked at her youngest and merely sighed. She got down from the chair and shook her head. "Justin hasn't shown up for work the whole week." "Oh." Lorraine limited her answer to. It certainly explained the alarm.

"I need to talk to Kitty." She said as she grabbed her car keys. "Well, are you coming?" Lorraine nodded at her mother's statement. So much for the walk.

"I am so tired of this puritanical nonsense." Nora said as she stumbled through the set of Red, White and Blue. Lorraine rolled her eyes as she followed quickly behind. "The man was a human being, for God's sakes." Kitty couldn't believe her mother had interrupted them like that… Seriously? It's Nora we're talking about.

"Hello. Nora Walker, Kitty's mom. Big fan." Nora said addressing Kitty's co-host, Warren Salter. "Of mine?" He added surprised, but Nora merely continued. "I want you to know your take on immigration is absolutely right. I'd be ashamed to live in a country with a wall. It makes me sick." "Thank you."

"Mom." Kitty finally said. Nora turned her attention to her daughter. "What?" "What the hell are you two doing here?" She said. Nora sighed as she pulled Kitty along with her, followed by 'excuse me'. Lorraine simply followed, giving a small smile to Warren.

"He hasn't come to work the whole week." "Where is he now?" "I don't know. He might be home, but he's not answering. We should go over." Nora said insistently. Kitty stopped her before she could continue. "Why 'we'? Why me?" "Because this is your fault." Lorraine turned her whole attention to her mother. She wasn't serious, was she?

Kitty looked at her with a look of disbelief. "How is this my fault?" "You're the one who told him to go fight in that stupid war." "Oh, Mom, Dad was the one who told him it was the right thing to do." Kitty argued hurrying up the stairs. Hopefully, to get away from her, no doubt. Nora, however, was persistent.

"But, Kitty, you pushed him." Lorraine found it now a good time as any to intervene. "Mom, Justin is who he is. He doesn't get pushed around by people. He joined on his own account."

"He never wanted to be soldier." Their mother said to both of them. "Kitty, you and your father never understood. He just wanted your approval. You were supposed to say no. You were supposed to say 'we love you too much to let you get hurt like this. No.' Now I don't know where my son is. I need you to help me find him. Please. Please." Lorraine stopped listening. She got wrapped in her own thoughts.

Nora was right to some extent. Lorraine knew why her older brother had gone off to war. He just wanted someone to tell him they were proud.

Lorraine's greatest fear was not her light; it wasn't what she was capable of doing. Her greatest fear was to be inadequate. It was the rows and rows of endless anthems that never ceased to demand something from her. She had to be the perfect . She had to be calm and collected.

Sometimes she wondered what was it about her that was so prohibited? When all she ever wanted was to make her family proud. To look at her and see far more than just a pretty face. She wanted to be what they wanted her to be. But she couldn't. This was who she was. And every day that she woke up and went to school, that she laughed and kissed and loved. Every day was a remainder that she could never be something more that stupid, mean, selfish, weak, fake, lost Lorraine. The girl with the strange silhouette.

She starved and puked, and cut and drank, because she didn't want to remember.

"Okay." Kitty finally said. "Let's go."

The inside of Justin's apartment was a mess, to say the least. Everything was covered with layers of clothes or left over food. It made Lorraine gag, but she held on to it.

"Good Lord in Heaven." Nora said as she looked around the place. She cringed in disgust, but there was no Justin. However, a girl seemed to be occupying his bed pretty well. "Mom." Kitty said as she acknowledged her presence. The three of them walked over to her, slightly hesitant.

"Wake her up." Nora said. "You do it." Kitty replied. Lorrain merely rolled her eyes and leaned towards the girl. She tugged the arm of the girl gently. "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" The girl woke up. It was Fawn.

"Fawn? Fawn, Fawn, it's okay." Lorraine said. "Hi, it's Lorraine… and Kitty. And Nora. Jus-" "How did you guys get in here?" Fawn cut her off. Well, wasn't _that _the right question to answer. Lorraine took a step back to give the girl, who was obviously naked, some space.

"The front door was unlocked." Her mother continued. "Where's Justin, Fawn?" "He's at work, right?" The girl said. "No, he actually hasn't been showing up. They fired him." Kitty added. "Those bastards."

"Do you have any idea where Justin might be?" Nora asked, ignoring the fact that this Fawn was completely useless. "Not really. Um, Zuma or Venice? Pie 'n' Burger?" Kitty took one of his clothes and looked at Fawn directly in the eye. "Are you covering for him?" Fawn shook her head.

"You can tell us." Nora said. Fawn looked from Nora, to Kitty, to Lorraine and then back to Nora. "I swear, Mrs… Justin. I don't know where he is." "All right, my darling, we believe you." Nora said, but the way she said it only meant this was not going to end well. "But I really don't think this is very healthy." "What's not?" "Medicating, sleeping all day, and you don't look well." She said as she held the girl's face in her hand. "Mom." Lorraine said softly, trying to tell her mother to back off. However, she was simply ignored.

"I don't think this situation is working out for you, is it?" Fawn opened her mouth to speak, but Nora placed her hand over it. Lorraine sighed angrily. "So let's get ourselves up, get dressed, take your trash and go home." "Mom…" Lorraine said again more fiercely. Nora took a step away from the girl.

"You really don't know where he is?" Kitty asked more sympathetically, handing Fawn a piece of clothing. "I thought he was at work." She said. She turned over to look at Nora, who had started cleaning. "I'm not a bad girl." "I'm sure you're not. You just need to get up earlier." Nora said in that tone of hers that just drove Lorraine insane.

"You know-" Kitty started but Nora cut her off.

Lorraine leaned against one of the walls, where at least seemed to be reasonably clean, as Fawn got dressed and got the hell away from there. Nora kept looking around the place, tossing things in the trash, while Kitty waited patiently, sitting on what was left of the couch.

"This is dumb, hanging out here waiting for him." Her mother said. "You should've put one of those things they put on dogs so you can track 'em." Kitty added. "Don't be snippy with me. I'm not on your damn TV show. God, I hate this day," Believe me, it wasn't all that Lorraine hated. "Well, I'm not exactly over the moon about it, either." Then Kitty got up.

"I know what Jonathan would do. He would call some friend in Washington, and there'd be some really fancy, expensive detective here, with Justin, in about four hours." Lorraine stiffened as she heard that response. She made a mental note not to get friendly with Jonathan, or he might grow to care.

"Well, why don't you call him?" Nora asked. "You know, you really can tell me the problem with him. I swear I won't judge." Kitty chuckled. "The problem. Doesn't feel like you and Dad." Nora sighed. "I guess they don't make them like that anymore." She turned her attention to a little box she was holding and took out a picture. "Oh… Look." She showed it to Kitty. It was a picture of Nora and a baby Justin.

Lorraine, seeming interested on the conversation, walked over to them to see it too. "We just had too many damn blessings." "Maybe." Kitty's phone rang and she answered it. "Hello? Yeah, Kevin, hi. Is he all right? Oh, thank God. All right. Come pick us up. We're still at his place." "Where is he?" Nora whispered. "All right, bye." Kitty hang up, then looked at her mother. "He's in jail… in Oceanside. He was arrested for drunk-and-disorderly conduct."

"He needs to go into a treatment program again." Kevin said. The four of them were on their way to Oceanside. Lorraine, however, still couldn't understand why she was in it too.

She felt to guilty. Like a traitor. She knew Justin had problem, but there was a part of her that didn't want to help him. Like she shouldn't interfere with his reasons. After all, there was nothing wrong with him… was there?

She didn't know whom she was talking about. She felt trapped in the backseat of the car. Incredibly paranoid. What if everyone found out and they were after her too? It seemed there was nowhere she could run. She couldn't hide at school forever. Sooner or later she would have to come back.

She felt sick. Her head was spinning and her stomach grumbled in desire. She was used to the pain, but lately they had become more painful. Every time she felt hungry, it was as if her stomach shrank of itself, contracting before and explosion.

"Yeah, I agree. Even if it's outpatient." Kitty said. "You know, a partner of mine just came back from Hazelden in Minnesota.-" "I'm not sending my son to Minnesota." Nora interrupted.

Lorraine leaned against the window. She could only hear faint murmurs. Her eyes were starting to close slowly and everything around her moved in different directions. They pulled at her from every end, wanting each part of her for their own.

"Oh, what would you have done if you'd known?" Kevin argued. "I don't know. We could have prepared him. We could have come up with a plan. As it is, you dropped it on him like a bomb."

Bomb? Lorraine could barely move. She was so tired. So exhausted. Bomb! "Kevin, stop the car right now!" She said.

Her brother stopped almost immediately. The three of them were surprised at Lorraine's sudden outburst. She hadn't said a single thing all ride and now, she opened the door with great fury, throwing up over the sidewalk.

Hot tears filled her cheeks. The effort her body made was too much. She leaned on some rock she found, trying to get a hold of herself. She hadn't eaten much all week. It was mostly fluids in grotesque colors. She sobbed silently. She wasn't sure why, but she did it every time she puked. It was annoying.

She felt a warm hand rest on her shoulder, but she did not look up. "Hey Lo, are you okay?" Kevin said in a worried tone. Lorraine nodded. "Yeah. I'm sorry, I uh, I just got dizzy, I guess." Nora walked over to her too. "Do you need some time?" She asked. Lorraine nodded again. "Yeah, just until I feel stable again." She said.

Nora stayed by her side for a few minutes. The argument that had been taking place was barely lost in the past. Her mother was soothing. She brushed her hair softly and sang "The Phantom of the Opera" softly. Her favorite song.

But Lorraine didn't care about that. There was a battle in her head. The voices were yelling at her for letting herself slip into such vulnerability. _Stupid. Mean. Selfish. Weak. Fake. Lost. Stupid! Mean! Selfish! Weak! Fake! Lost! STUPID! MEAN! SELFISH! WEAK! FAKE! LOST! _Idiot, idiot, idiot. She couldn't do anything right could she?

Lorraine stood up, a little too quickly and regained what was left of her dignity. "I'm okay, Mom." She said and turned around to get back in the car again. "Okay." Nora said behind her.

A few minutes later, they arrived at the police station, but the officer refused to let Justin go. In all honesty, it gave Lorraine a sense of relief. Now the attention was away from her and settled back on Justin's little dispute. She could breath again.

"He's really wrecked. Usually we like to let his kind dry out for the night in lockup. It reinforces the point, you know?" The office said. Lorraine couldn't help but cringe at his words. _"His kind." _He spoke as though drunks were beneath him. Mostly anyone with issues, then?

"Sure. Sure. Um, we have driven all the way from Los Angeles." Kevin tried to argue. Seriously, for being a lawyer, you'd expect him to have better arguments. "There's a motel nearby. See you in the a.m. Bring coffee." Yeah, point taken. "Right. Thank you. Thanks." Kevin said.

However, and not surprisingly, Nora approached him, dragging Kitty along with her. Lorraine watched, along with Kevin, to see what she was up to.

"Hi." She said. The officer sighed. "I'm Justin's mother, and this is his big sister, Kitty. Kitty Walker, of _The Right Idea _and _Red, White & Blue._" Kitty looked at her mother in disbelief, so did the officer, but with more enthusiasm than the previous. "You're kidding." "No." The officer chuckled. "You're her?" "I am… me, yes." Kitty said a tad embarrassed. "I love your show." "And we're not asking to be the exception here." "Yes, we are." Nora insisted. "No, we're not." Lorraine sighed. This could go on all night.

After a while, the officer got tired of them and just released Justin. He didn't seem grateful. Lorraine couldn't blame him.

"The girls came to get me. That's cool. Where's Sarah?" Justin babbled. Kevin turned to look at Kitty. "Kitty, he's sitting in the back with you." "No, seriously. Thanks for bringing the family. I mean, my day wasn't bad enough." "They were worried about you." Kevin said. "Oh, and you had to the right thing. Kevin always does the right thing, except sleep with women." "Hey!" Lorraine said, as she placed her hand over Justin's shoulder. But he shook it away rudely.

"Justin, could you shut up for ten seconds?" Kitty stated in all seriousness. "If you didn't want help, why you ask?" Kevin said angrily. "Because I was in jail. I figured I should call the family lawyer. I mean that is who you are, right?"

"If your father could see this behavior!" Nora yelled at her son. The other three stopped, perhaps out of knowing this could get ugly. "He'd what? Judge me? Tell me to get a job?" Justin snapped. "He'd be so disappointed!" "Disappointed? Who the hell is he to be disappointed? He's the disappointment!" "What does that mean?" Lorraine frowned for a moment. What was Justin talking about?

Justin merely shrugged. "Forget it." He said as he started to walk away. "Your father loved you more than anything on Earth, you little spoiled brat!" "You know what love means in this family?" Justin turned towards Nora, angrier than ever. "It means, 'you suck!'" "Get in the car!" Kevin yelled at him trying to stop the fight, but Justin continued. "It means, 'nothing you do will be good enough!'"

"Oh, you ungrateful child! You don't care about anyone but yourself! How did you get that way?" Nora said. Her voice was shaking. "You know what losing your father has done to me, and yet you take your life and throw it around like it was worthless! Why?" "'Cause I wish I was dead! Don't you understand that? I wish I'd died over there, Mom!"

Her cold glare started to fade as Lorraine understood the depth of Justin's words. She did. She understood. She knew what it was like to hate every part of you. To feel like nothing you do is ever good enough. She knew what it was like to be judged. To think things you had no control over. To ever feel inadequate. Unworthy.

Nora looked at her youngest son. She didn't understand. "Well, you didn't die. And I'll be damned if I'll stand around and watch you kill yourself!" She said with every ounce of strength she had. Kitty walked over to her and wrapped her arms around her mother. "Enough. Enough, Mom."

Nora was shaking as angry tears fell on her cheeks. "It's enough." Kitty whispered again. But Nora had started crying. "I lost my boy!" Justin took a deep breath. "God, you guys are so freakin' serious." He said before turning around and walking to the car.

Kitty hugged her mother closely, and Kevin did so too. But not Lorraine. She watched Justin. She watched him carefully. She had never understood what was it that overcame him. She wanted to tell him that he was not alone. That she knew. That she hurt in the same way. But she couldn't. She couldn't even move. Not to do something worth remembering.

"I hate it when you dominate the remote." Kitty said. She was lying on the bed next to Kevin. "I'm curious to see if gay porn has got to Oceanside yet."

Lorraine who was sitting on the sofa at the other end of the room sighed. Sometimes, really.

"You know, I stay in a lot of hotels. This is research for me." He said browsing through the channels until he found something worthy. "Here we go. _Thirty-Something Inches. _Only $10.95. Shall we?" Kitty groaned. "Ugh. Come on. Give me that."

"Hey is that Jonathan?" Kevin said as the movie started playing. "It is Jonathan!" "Give it to me." Kitty said, attempting to get back the remote.

Nora walked into the room. She folded her arms. "He won't let me in. I just want to apologize." Lorraine looked at her mother for a second. She stood up. "I'll go talk to him." She said. It was the perfect excuse from actually having to stand around watching God knows what on TV.

"Thanks." Nora told her. Lorraine nodded. She walked over to the next room and shut the door behind her. Justin didn't say anything as she walked over to the side of the bed.

"Hey." She said. She refrained from using the phrase 'how are you?'. It was pointless and obvious. And she would've slapped anyone who asked her that. "I know how you feel." She said. Justin turned to look at her. "I doubt it." "No, I really do know how you feel. And I'm sorry if everyone started bombing at you. Mom was just scared."

Justin sighed. "I was pretty frightening." He said. There was pause between them. "He hated me, Lo." Lorraine shook her head. "No, I don't think so. I know it may be hard to understand, but he loved you a great deal. He just didn't know how to express it. It's hard for some people." She said. She knew, 'cause she was just like her dad. Lorraine had a hard time expressing her feelings. She didn't go by on hugs, or kisses, or 'I love yous'. She was cold and distant. But in reality, she was just afraid.

"I could see it in his eyes." Justin said. "The looks of someone who doesn't expect anything from you. Until all you do is disappoint over and over again." "Justin, I want you to listen to me. Dad loved you, regardless of what he said or did. He loved you. So please forgive him. 'Cause he's dead and sooner or later, the only person this is gonna affect, is you. Please Justin." She said. "I know it's hard, but we'll figure something out." She said reassuringly. "You'll see."

"Lorraine?" Justin asked after a few minutes. "Yeah?" "Thanks." He said. "No problem." But deep down Lorraine knew she wasn't fooling anyone.


	3. I Was The Black Sheep Of The Family

**Chapter Three**

**_I Was The Black Sheep Of The Family_**

Her breaths measured in painful sobs that ended with quivering sounds. The skeleton falls down the cliff. The skeleton climbs up the cliff. The skeleton loves the bottom of the cliff. And if for a moment we lose ourselves in sight, remember we get another night.

Quick and pained gasps could barely be heard over the thumping heart. The running silhouette was pushing past the limits of her body. Her legs trembled as she fought to stand. She wore at the incompetence of her being. The sweat lines over her forehead could barely be seen over the pouring rain.

Her knees screamed in agony. She struggled to keep her balance as the grass below turned into a slippery, deadly, mud puddle. The silhouette sobbed silently. No sound could be heard.

She coughed violently. Small tears of blood escaped her body. They ran across it, losing themselves within bruises and cuts and hollow ends. The skeleton was Lorraine, but Lorraine could never be the skeleton.

It would be easy, too easy in fact, to blame someone for her struggles. The life and lies of recklessly sobbing eyes that never found the beginning.

* * *

Lorraine watched from the sidelines. Kitty had brought her to the show like she had promised, and it turned out to be more interesting than she had expected. Mainly watching the rivalry between Warren and Kitty.

Lorraine hadn't really decided whom she was cheering for. She had never really cared. It was just like religion. She had opted to become an atheist. She didn't see the point in hanging around waiting for some omnipotent force to pray to or to ask favors to. The only thing she believed in-

Never mind. She couldn't finish that sentence.

However, talking about politics. She believed herself to be more of a democrat than a republican. Although both held valid arguments. At the end of the day she would just vote for the best candidate, regardless of party.

She folded her arm as she watched Kitty debate how she was mad at Canada. Or mostly just the Allies. The irony of all that made her chuckle.

"Canada did not send any troops to Vietnam."

Now Lorraine just wanted to burst into a laughing fit. She knew Kitty was her sister, but c'mon, she just lost a bet on national TV and potentially humiliating herself in the process. Who said the world wasn't just like high school?

When the show ended Lorraine walked over to her sister. "Ready?" She asked, slightly too enthusiastic. But then Warren approached them too and with his signature smile made a comment. "I'll give you a call." He said. Kitty just shot him a look, followed by a groan. "Hey, you know, it could be worst." Kitty gave her sister the same glare and she kept silent.

* * *

"For the billionth time, Mother, it is not a date." Kitty said as she closed the refrigerator doors. "Listen, I don't care who dates him. Could be you, could be Kevin, but someone in this family should be dating that man." Nora said as she looked over some papers.

"Well, I guess that's my cue to come back later." Lorraine said as she walked into the room. "Oh no, that's all right, dear. I was just telling your sister here how someone in this family should date Warren." Nora said acknowledging her daughter.

"No, I got that, Mom. Too bad, he's older." She said as she sat next to Kitty, in front of the stove. "Well, that's never been an issue before." Nora said removing her glasses. "I mean, your father and I weren't exactly the same age, you know." "Okay. Stop now. Please." Lorraine cringed at the thought. Oh how she regretted making jokes with her mother as a receiver.

"All right, I just mowed the lawn and then I was stung by a bee, but calm down, I'm fine." Justin said. He walked straight towards the refrigerator, all sweaty and disgusting. "Oh, why didn't you tell me? I wanted to do that?" Lorraine said before she could stop herself. Nora looked at her daughter with concern. She was more of a delicate flower. If she could, she would avoid doing all housework.

"Lorraine?" Her mother asked, obviously expecting an answer. "Well, you know, I want to learn. 'Cause I'm not going to be surrounded by Justin forever. A girl has to take care of herself." She said. Such a pathetic excuse, but she came up with a valid reason in record time.

"That's why you have Damon to help you, dear." Nora said simply. _Not the point, Mother._ She sighed.

"Oh dude, you stink. Take a shower." Kitty said as Justin walked past her. "Or jump in the pool. No one has been in that pool in the longest time." Nora added. "Mom, nobody's gonna go in that pool. I talked to Sarah. Paige isn't gonna go in any pool." Nora put her papers down and looked at Kitty. "Oh." She said as she realized the reason. "Oh. Why didn't anybody tell me about Paige?" "Well, what we don't tell you, Mom, could fill the Library of Congress." Lorraine managed a small smile, as she filled up a glass of water. She'll drank to that.

"Well, it's very simple. We'll give a party. A great, big party. When she sees everyone in the water then she'll be just fine. It's like the time when you were afraid to get in the shower." "No more 'like when Is' You make up these memories all day. It drives me crazy." "We'll have hot dogs, drinks, pool toys, and tiki torches." Nora simply ignored her. "Yeah, it doesn't work like that, Mom." Lorraine said. "Yeah. Tiki torches are gonna get Paige to swim in the pool where her grandpa died." Justin added.

"Will you let me handle it? And, my darling, would you please drop these off at your uncle's office on your way home?" Nora asked, giving Justin the pill of documents. "That's a lot of paperwork." Kitty said. "It's not me, it's the company. Saul is consolidating." Nora told Kitty. "And tell your uncle I might wanna keep that little house. I love Silver Lake, and who knows?" "Silver Lake?" Justin asked. "Yeah. There is a struggling actress living there. I met her. I'd be cruel just to throw her out. From the looks of things, she hasn't worked since the early '80s."

"You met her? When?" Justin newly formed interest in Nora's conversation even caught the attention of Lorraine. "Yesterday. Saul took me. I thought about giving the little house to you, Kitty but then there's interesting people in the neighborhood, I though you wouldn't feel at home." Nora 1, Kitty 0.

Justin took the folder, and Kitty followed him. Lorraine let them be, for she had another matter to ask her mother. "Mom?" She said. "Yes, Lorraine?" "I was wondering, if there is nothing important for me to do here, I can just go back to school then?" She asked. "Oh. Well, aren't you gonna stay for the party?" Her mother with slightly hurt eyes. "Well, I was thinking about passing on this one. I'm not really in the mood for a pool party." No, she just wasn't in the mood to run around half-naked.

"Nonsense! You love pool parties. Besides, it'd be cold in Massachusetts when you get back. Please. Stay, at least for the party. You need some serious cheering up. You can even invite some of your friends." Right. Lorraine nodded. It was clear she wasn't gonna get off this one. And as much as she hated the idea, she couldn't afford her mother suspecting. After all, it was clear she knew she was down.

Nora had waited for a breakdown from her ever since William died. But so far, she wasn't getting any. Lorraine was just so damn calm and collected.

* * *

"A pool party." Lorraine whispered to herself. She was locked in the bathroom again. She was staring at the strange silhouette at the other side of the mirror. "You couldn't even argue with Nora. How the hell are you gonna survive in the real world?" Her mouth moved, making distinct noises, but it wasn't her who was talking. It was a voice inside her head. An embodiment of lies and charades.

It used her body because it wasn't strong enough to have its own. It was slowly consuming her from the inside. Lorraine grew tired and tired as each minute ticked by. She was naked. She was leaning against the mirror, her pale hands shaking as she tried to reach for someone who couldn't see her.

… _Before the accident_ she was a happy girl with friends and parties and more drinks than she could remember. She would smoke and scream and scream and smoke until her throat felt sore with the remains of tears and a well-spent bottle of vodka. She was wrapped in her Ivy League diploma, completely oblivious to the outside world.

She was a teenage with the world at her feet. Graduated valedictorian, homecoming queen, voted Most Likely to Succeed.

And when she was a baby, her father would pick her up and held her in his arms. He would softly sing the words of pride into her head. Feeding her dreams of growing up, going to college, Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Duke. Graduating, getting her degree, becoming a diplomat, working at the UN, achieving everything they wanted for her. Being the perfect daughter. Embodiment of success.

It was all about control. Control over her grades, her social life, her privet life. Control her looks, her charm. Everything had to be in place.

He was furious when his precious daughter turned out to be more human than the rest of them. When she called him in a crying fit because life had suddenly gotten too real and she couldn't figure it out.

Sometimes she wished she could go back into that night and never make the call. Then he wouldn't have known. Then he wouldn't have been disappointed. Then she could show him she could take care of herself. She wasn't completely clueless.

But all that was gone because he was dead and she was trapped. And no matter how hard she tried there was no changing either fact. How many times she tried to apologize but her throat would close and she just couldn't.

It was a punishment, a need, a demand, an _obsession. _

_**Guilty pleasure.**_

_**Tell me I have the greatest obsession.**_

_**Poke through my veins.**_

_**Tell me you can take the pain.**_

Her stomach grumbles furiously, demanding the only thing she can't give him. She places her hand over her stomach. Her fingers barely touch the porcelain covered in fat. She's afraid of what she might find in there.

She's hungry. She needs to eat.

No, she hates eating.

But she needs to.

She hates eating.

She needs to eat.

She loves not-eating.

It's like a clicker. It goes On and Off, On and Off, until it wastes off the battery, until eventually, it doesn't feel anything.

Lorraine sighs. Her throat is sore. She can't hear her own words and she can't listen to her thoughts. When she looks in the mirror, she can't see her blonde hair, her blue eyes, her long and thin lashes. It all disappears. They suddenly don't matter. The only thing she sees are the bones she can't fit. And the chain that presses against her body, forcing her to fit it.

She just sees a nightmare. And she doesn't even realize it.

"A pool party." She repeats. She can't go to a pool party. She can't walk around in a swimsuit. She can't expose her body like that. Everyone can see. And then they'll be disgusted and they'll cringe, and they'll look at her with that same look of disappointment in William's eyes. They'll judge her for letting herself go. For slipping away.

She doesn't really want to go but what is there for her to do? She can't even put on the one piece that's placed neatly on top of her bed. She can't see it. She can't touch it. It suffocate her from the inside out. She'll die in instants.

But all the time she's spent arguing with demons that don't exist, she couldn't help but think,

I could be at the gym right now.

I could be running right now.

I could be at school doing yoga right now.

I could be wearing sweatpants because no one will see through them.

I could be doing something productive.

I could be attempting to achieve the only thing that matters.

_Such waste of space._

If only she had rescued him. If only she had done what he asked.

He looked at her for saving but she was, saving someone else.

_Stupid…_You make me hate me like I hated no one else.

_Mean…_You know what I've done, not what I've been through.

_Selfish…_Sometimes I wish I didn't have to live inside my head.

_Weak…_I'm made of mistakes.

_Fake…_It's not about inspiration anymore. It's about fucking security.

_Lost…_Please tell me I have the best addiction in the world.

She pinched, what she could, at her stomach. Why was there still fat? But she didn't have time for that. She heard people arriving and knew there was no way around it. She sighed and got dressed. Whatever she could throw on, it didn't matter.

No, it did matter. Or people would notice.

Damn. Why couldn't she get something _right_?

She put on something nice and walked into her bedroom. She noticed the one-piece still lying on her bed. She struggled for a moment. Should or shouldn't she? Then she remembered the wreaths of pus-colored fat that played around her stomach. No one could see them, but herself.

They jumped the rope, played hide-and-seek, chewed bubblegum and laughed in her face as she did laps and threw up in her defense.

She took the swimsuit and threw it into her closet. Threw it, with every ounce of energy she could manage. Threw it, so that when it hit the opposite wall, it simply fell to the ground. She didn't have enough strength to throw a simple swimsuit. It didn't make her feel a small ounce better. It made her feel worse.

She sighed again, more frustrated and annoyed than ever. There where going to be new rules. She had been too easy on herself. She had to demand discipline.

Lorraine lock her room and walked downstairs where a crowd of waiters and caterers flew back and forth, back and forth, with napkins and plates, and all things evil. Fuck.

As she walked towards the garden, she saw Jonathan. Jonathan? She walked over to him to greet him, even though she had broken her first rule of no social contact with strangers.

"Hey, Jonathan. What are you doing here?" She asked. She was surprised to see him. Didn't he live in New York? Jonathan turned around at the sound of someone calling his name. "Oh, hi Lorraine. How are you? I came here to visit Kitty. Have you seen her?" "Oh, actually, no, I haven't, but she's probably outside." She said. Jonathan smiled. "Thanks." And he left to look for his fair maiden.

Lorraine sighed. Jonathan had travelled 2,443 miles to see Kitty, and his boyfriend hadn't even called her to ask how she was. She knew that Damon was obviously busy, but she missed him. She missed him a great deal. And that feeling wasn't gonna go away.

She took out her phone and dialed his number. It rang once, twice. Lorraine wasn't once to wait a third time, but she let it go to voice mail, yet _again. _She was becoming one of those needy girlfriends, and that was pissing her off.

"_Hey__, this is Damon. Leave a message." _Lorraine sighed. Well, at least she had heard the sound of his voice. "Hey, Damon. It's me. I-" But she stopped. She watched Jonathan surprise Kitty. How she fell into the pool in surprise. She couldn't help but feel jealous. That should be her falling into the pool. That should be her boyfriend flying the same 2,443 miles to see her. She should be happy.

Instead, she hung up the phone. He knew where she was and how to reach her. If he cared, he would call, if he didn't. Well, Lorraine already knew the side to that story.

She walked outside. The place was already packed with familiar faces and faces she couldn't remember.

She walked over to Kevin and Justin, who where staring an older blonde woman, talking to her mother. "Hey guys, isn't she a bit old for the two of you?" She asked casually. Both men turned to look at her in surprise. "Geez, don't sneak up like that." Kevin said. "Right. Faint-hearted." Lorraine said. "So, who is she?" Lorraine asked. Both men shook their head. "No one." "A friend of Mom's." They said at the same time. Lorraine frowned for a moment. "A friend of Mom's." "No one." They repeated.

She nodded her head. "Right." Assuming they didn't want her in the conversation, Lorraine took Kevin's glass for her own and walked away. Waving.

She was slightly bored. She sat at the edge of the pool, her feet inside the water. Oh, it felt so good. To feel something other than guilty for once. She leaned backwards. She closed her eyes and looked up. She felt the warm sunrays paint her skin into a sweet gold. There was no sun, like the sun in California. Not even Cambridge was as enjoyable as this.

She felt someone sit beside her and she looked up to Julia. She smiled as she sat down next to her. "Hey Lo. Enjoying the sun?" She asked. "Yeah. There's no sun like this in Massachusetts." "You have to go back soon?" Julia asked. "Yeah. If I want to graduate in December I should." "Graduation? All ready?" Lorraine nodded. "All ready."

Then little Paige walked over to them. She sat down next to Lorraine and wrapped her arms around her. She had always been close with her niece. She loved her a great deal. She would steal her from her parents and take her shopping, or for an ice-cream, paint her nails. It was this little one, full of innocence, with her whole life ahead of her. She didn't have regrets or grudges. She was just a child.

"_The snow drifts into our zombie mouths crawling with grease and curses and tobacco flakes and cavities and boyfriend/girlfriend juice, the stain of lies. For one moment we are not failed tests and broken condoms and cheating on essays; we are crayons and lunch boxes and swinging so high our sneakers punch holes in the clouds. _

_For one moment everything feels better.  
Then it melts."*_

"What's wrong Paige?" She asked. But Paige shook her head. At just the same moment, Tommy interrupted. "I don't know, Paige. What do you think?" He said. Paige shook her head again. "Grandpa died in this pool." "Yeah." "And you think, if you go in, you could die too?" "No. It just makes me sad." Lorraine smiled. She took Paige's hand and wrapped it around her. She kissed it softly.

"I haven't been in the pool since it happened either, you know. I'm just like you." Lorraine smiled. She knew where Tommy was getting at. "Honey, can you hold this?" He said, giving Julia his wallet. "Sure." She said, smiling. "And this?" He gave her his watch. "What are you doing?" Paige asked, a faint smile growing in her face. "You just helped me figure something out. I'll see you later." He stood up and in an instant, he jumped into the water.

Paige's smile grew so much, it made her shine. "How is it?" "Come in and find out." Tommy replied. She hesitated for a moment, but then she stood up. "You ready?" And she jumped into the pool. She did it.

She kept playing with her feet in the water.

"Hey, a little lonely there?" She looked up to see an unfamiliar, yet handsome face. "Hey. Well, you know." The guy sat down next to her. He was pretty stylish, and the way he combed his hair was absolutely delightful. "I'm Scotty Wandell. Kevin's witness." He said, extending his hand. Lorraine smiled and took it gently. "I'm Lorraine Walker. Kevin's sister." "Ah, so you're the other sister." He said. "Yeah. The youngest Walker." She said casually. "So, how come you're sitting here all by yourself?" He asked. "Well, because my boyfriend is at school in Massachusetts and I'm stuck here." "Oh. Boyfriend. Do tell." Lorraine chuckled.

"We've been going out for a year and a half, almost. I met him at a party. We became friends and that friendship turned into something more." Lorraine said. ."Hmm. I see there's a glance of sadness there." Scotty said. Lorraine grinned. "You're good. Sadness? Well, I just miss you. I mean the distance is just killing me. I wish he could be here." Scotty nodded. "Are you going to see him any time soon?" "Yeah." Lorraine nodded. "We go to the same school, so as soon as I get back, we'll see each other again." Scotty smiled. "Well, tell you what. I'll keep you company until then."

Lorraine smiled. She even let out a gracious smile. "Thanks." "No problem. Now, I think dinner is being served. Shall we?" He helped her up and they walked over to the table. She sat next to him. Her smile still put, until the waiters started to fill the plates with food.

This was the part that Lorraine was most scared of. If she could, she would avoid food altogether. The smell. The delicious, engaging smell. It made her gag. She could feel her nostrils feel up with that pleasant aroma, of species, of meat, or sauces and it made her sick. But she could do it. Strong. Strong. Strong. Empty. Empty. Empty.

The only sounds that where heard, were the voice of Nora talking to Warren. "I do think they will eventually be put on trial." She said.

Lorraine played with her food. She kept tossing parts of it into paper napkins she had hidden in her pockets. She would cut her food in tiny pieces, grab one, and bring it to her mouth, where she would distractedly, place it back on the plate again.

"Could someone pass the mango peach salsa?" Scotty asked. But no one answered. No one even made the slightly hint that they had heard him.

"Nora?" Warren said. "Yes? Would you care for some more lamb?" "No, thank you. What's going on here?" "What do you mean? "Why isn't anyone but us talking?" Nora turned to look at the rest of the table. "Oh." She said, as though she had just realized it.

There was a moment of silence as Nora measured the scene. "Well, they all think that I don't know that my husband had an affair with that woman Holly over there. A long one, with a cunning little cottage built for two to go with it."

Lorraine almost choked on her glass. An affair? _WHAT? _She looked at her mother, oh but that was no use. She turned to look at her siblings, who where staring at her mother, as though she had just thrown the biggest bomb.

"Yes, Warren, they all think I'm living in the dark." You're not the only one. "And they're terrified that I'm gonna figure it all out tonight, and then in their panic and obliviousness in their eagerness to handle me, they've lost their very basic ability to conduct themselves in a social circumstance. It's very sad… but there it is." Nora turned her deadly glare at Holly, who was beyond terrified. She, having the sense that she had, flew the scene.

"Would someone please pass the mango peach salsa to Scotty?" So Kevin did. But that didn't change the fact that all Walkers were still in shocked. One in particular, angrier than ever.

Lorraine couldn't take it any longer. She didn't care that she hadn't finished her charade. She got up and threw the napkin in the seat. They could all go to hell.

She hurried towards the house, not caring if anyone had followed her. They all knew? They all knew and they never had the decency to tell her? Who the hell did they think they where? Who the hell did they think she was? Sure, she was younger. Sure, she was 22. Sure, she was messed up, and screwed up and barely and adult. But it was her father too! She had the right to know. Or at least, not stand like an idiot, the moment her mother decided to make her vengeful debut.

She locked the door to her room. No more. She wasn't staying there any longer. She took out her suitcase and began packing every single thing she had arrived with. She stuffed stuff in it that she hadn't planned. She didn't care what time it was. She was boarding the next flight home. Home. Not here. It could never be here.

Hot tears started to fall down her cheeks. She was shaking with anger. She was tired and she was aching. And she was starving! Goddamn she was starving.

Lorraine became oblivious to everything. It was all so overwhelming. She tried to shut down her emotions but there was so much stuff that had just happened that she just couldn't. Her heart was racing, bumping out of her chest. Any minute now she would fall down. People would walk past her and laugh at her. At her weakness. At her lack of self-control. They'll point and whisper and stare. She'll try to get up but her legs would refuse. They'll be permanently attached to the ground. And then? What would she do then? She didn't know.

She closed her suitcase and took her phone. She had everything she needed. The bathroom was clear. There was no evidence that girl ever lived there. No evidence that Lorraine Walker actually existed. She got out and hurried down the stairs.

She saw the front door. She was about to reach it. She was so close. As she held the doorknob in her hands someone stopped her. She turned to look at the traitor. The intruder who denied her right. It was Justin. He looked at her with concerned eyes but she just stepped away from him. She brushed him away in the same violent manner that he had had not so long ago. "I'm leaving." She said through tears. "Tell Mom I'll call her when I land… Maybe."

But Justin got in her way again. He positioned himself on the door, refusing her any access to the outside world. "Justin, step aside." She said. She was trying to sound calm, but she was failing miserably. "Lorraine, it's late. You can't just go."

Lorraine looked at him in disbelief. She glared at him. _Excuse me?_ She took a step back. "Why not? Why not? It is obvious you don't need me here. It is obvious I am of no use to anyone." Justin frowned. "What are you talking about?"

Listening to the screams, the rest of the Walker siblings gathered around the foyer. They were impressed to see the emotional state their youngest sister was in. She had always been so… Yeah! We get it! Lorraine Walker had always been calm and collected! But just because someone is some way doesn't mean they aren't entitled to feel upset, or side, or neglected. Guilty even.

"Why didn't you tell me?" She turned towards the rest of them. "Why didn't any of you tell me?" There was small pause. "I had to wait around for Mom to burst it out loud that Dad had an affair with that woman! How do you think it made me feel? Everyone knew. Each and every one of you knew. Except me. It is pretty clear you don't need me here."

Kitty walked over to her. Oh. She had never thought that this would affect her sister in such way. Maybe she was finally breaking. Finally reacting to Dad's dead… No Kitty, Lorraine was doing everything but breaking.

She placed her arm around her shoulder. "Breathe." She said in a soothing voice. But Lorraine didn't listen. How could she breathe when she was fucking drowning? When there was no air? When every single nightmare, and fear, and weakness was pulling her into the darkest corner of her mind?

But none of them understood that. None of them could see what she saw.

Lorraine brushed her arm away. "Don't touch me." She muttered almost inaudible. She stood there for a second.

"Tell Mom, I had to leave." She said and walked past Justin to the outside.

She walked along the sidewalk, but she didn't look back. She stood at the corner and managed to get a hold of a cab. On her way she dialed the same number she knew far too well.

"Hello? Damon. It's me, Lorraine. I'm coming home."

* * *

***: Quote from Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson**


	4. I Wasn't Weak, I Wasn't Lost

**Chapter Four**

**_I Wasn't Weak, I Wasn't Lost_**

"_Oh my, God! What have we done?" _

She moved to the left side of her bed. She pulled the sheets over her trembling body, trying to warm up.

"_We can't just leave him here. Call the police!"_

She cringed. She was shaking uncontrollably. Yet, sweat lines formed along her forehead.

"_Caleb! Caleb wake up! Please!"_

She tossed and turned. Her head was filling up with vagueness and spoonful images. She was hot and cold. Tired and rested. Dead and alive.

"_He's not breathing… God, why isn't he breathing?" _

She was suffocating. Her throat was closing. She grabbed her sheets furiously but her eyes refused to open. Any minute now her heart would go over the speed limit and jump out her chest. It would grow legs and run away as fast as it could. While Lorraine fell down to her knees.

"_Dad, I need your help."_

In one tactical movement she woke up in a sweat fit. She breathed heavily. She was hyperventilating. She threw the sheets of the bed and closed in on her knees. Her whole body was shaking with unbelievable movements.

Her heart had sped up and it wasn't slowing down. She could hardly think clearly over the thumping noises.

Then, she breathed in slowly, filling up her lungs with safe oxygen. And she regained all composure. _It was just a dream…_

* * *

Lorraine hadn't been the same since she got back. The sudden revelation of her father's affair, or rather, the lack of knowledge about the matter, was enough to send her over the edge. She hadn't spoke to her family ever since.

A month had passed and people were starting to notice. How she had drawn into herself, closing off from the people around her. How she was mostly mute. How they rarely saw her. No one knew where she was sprinting over.

The most affected by this was Damon. At first, he hadn't minded. He knew how Lorraine's mind worked, or so he thought. He figured she was trying to come to terms with things. When she had arrived at the airport, he was there to pick her up. She was pretty shook up and definitely distracted, which made him wonder just exactly what happened while she was there.

She hadn't said much. But then they had been alone, in her room, cuddling, and the feeling of security that being in his arms brought her, was enough to make her burst into tears. She told him about her father. Just that. He couldn't know about anything else.

So as the days went by without any contact from her, or any sight of her at all, it was only natural that Damon went to check on her. He was starting to worry, but he wasn't sure what about.

But he didn't find her.

Lorraine had been running around aimlessly for hours. She was dragging her feet along with her. Heavy, rough, pale bricks of stone had replaced her legs. She could still move, though. It wasn't snowing yet.

November was quickly coming to an end. Lorraine feared the worst. After November, came December, and ultimately she would have to go back. She thought about it for days. She had re-taken her classes. On an average day, she would go to class, read and write and take notes and study, then go back to her dorm and repeat the process. Over and over again.

She didn't care about social events. Not anymore.

She hated the cold. It made her fragile, helpless body shake with anger and disappointment. It was demanding more discipline from her. She needed to give it the ultimate goal. It annoyed her that she couldn't even maintain a decent body temperature. Wasn't she good for anything?

By now, her feet were sore. Her body ached in all the wrong parts. Her stomach rumbled painfully, craving for poison.

Poison, that's how she saw it. Or a drug. And she had done nothing to deserve it. She ignored the pain, only relishing on the silence that followed. She sighed. She wasn't near finished.

She took a deep breath and pulled her body forward. Again and again. She got her legs to move at a speed they could no longer handle. Five minutes had not passed when she come to an abrupt end.

Lorraine coughed. She cursed her health as she struggled to keep her balance. She had to be cautious, or she would faint the in the middle of the sidewalk. The long hours of exercise had already drained her from her none existent energy. Apparently, doing so on an empty stomach was not a good idea, or so claimed her roommate who was a med student.

But Lorraine liked it. She liked the pain she felt every time her stomach grumbled. She could deal with it. The first time, the hunger pains were unbearable. It was a nagging feeling. Much like temptation. Temptation to end the rumbling with one ultimate solution. But she didn't give in to it. She never gave into it. The pain had become an addiction. Over exercising had become an addiction. Purging whatever intake she could, had become an addiction.

It had become an obsession. _Obsession for women… _

The only way she would stop was if she literally could not go any further. Only exhaustion beat her. It was the only thing that she could not fight. It was the only piece she could not move in order to achieve what she wanted.

As she stood motionless Lorraine knew she had to get going. She may have had to stop, but the voices never ceased to. _Stupid. Mean. Selfish. Weak. Fake. Lost. _Boom, boom, boom.

Things take a deadly course when voices start gaining power. _"Stupid. Mean. Selfish. Weak. Fake. Lost." _It whispered viciously into the girl's ear. Lorraine shook abruptly. Every time she heard the sound of its voice her whole body raised in electric shocks.

_No one knew_ that she was the only one who could see. _She_ didn't know she was the only one who could see. It was something sinister, something that occupied every corner of her mind and dragged her down a path of darkness. A dead end.

So the figure would lean closely and softly sing in Lorraine's ear.

_"You say that you're in control. You say that you are. I can't think of a time. When you looked less alive."_

_"You see the struggle flood the skin. From promises to paper-thin. She turns a blind eye, will of Stone. From stunning smile to flesh and bone."_

"_How dare you think you deserve me? Or do you think I deserve you? Well I don't care, either way. After all you've put me through."_

But then she stands up again, running away from demons as fast as she can, and when she gets far enough, she changes all the rules.

1. 500 calories a day. No exceptions.

2. If forced to eat, must purge in order to get rid of it. Restrict intake during the next day to make up for it.

3. No breakfast. Ever.

4. Exercise. Always. If tired, walk. If still tired, bang feet together three times and hope not to get hit by a house. Hopefully, Kansas will be gone.

5. Pretend life is beautiful and silently watch as we lose our minds.

* * *

Her fingers were cold. Icy. Numb, as she scribbled through her notebook trying to pay attention to what was being discussed. She was using more force than necessary and the words she wrote seemed like anger through gritted teeth.

She sighed tiredly. She hadn't had much sleep last night, or the rest of the week for that matter. For a moment, she let her head fall down unto the table before her. This behavior was completely unacceptable for her. She had always been eager to learn. She exalted in every class, in her major. But lately, she didn't even care about that.

In a moment of distraction, she almost didn't notice that there was an overly fancy envelope lying next to her. Now, she was almost sure that hadn't been there before. She took it and sighed. It had her name written in an elegant handwriting. She knew what this envelope represented. She had seen it plenty of times.

And unfortunately, she couldn't get out of it.

The Bee is one of the five all-female Final Clubs at Harvard College. Lorraine had become a member halfway through her sophomore year, after being part of The Pudding. She had excelled, she had stolen the limelight. She had been determined to become a member. She had never cared much for social prestige, she just loved the challenge of achieving something impossible.

And the club had given her so much more than she had ever imagined. She had met Damon at a host party.

She would've liked the idea if she hadn't been in such a foul mood.

As she walked out of the room, someone literally bumped into her, almost tackling her to the ground. She turned around annoyed, ready to give the little fucker a piece of her mind. Only, it wasn't just anyone. It was Damon.

"Lorraine!" He exclaimed. His trademark smile on place. Lorraine smiled too, but it was weak and pathetic. "Hey, Damon." He lifted her up (he was slightly taller than her), wrapped his arms around her and kissed her, deeply. He hadn't seen her for a whole week. And they lived in the same building.

When they broke apart, she was slightly confused. "What was that for?" She asked. He caressed her cheek softly. Her skin felt brittle, but he didn't mind, he hardly noticed as his eyes were locked on hers. "Simply because you are you." He said.

He extended his arms towards her and she took it. "C'mon, let's grab something to eat."

The waiter set two dishes of French food in front of them. Lorraine had been so overwhelmed by the kiss, by his touch, that she had completely forgotten the concept of dinner. She stared at her food. A voice at the back of her head whispered quietly to her, laughing at her misery. And she should've expected it. If she hadn't been so distracted, so completely oblivious, if she wasn't so _clueless _she would've never put herself in such situation. God was she stupid.

A hiss sounded through the room, or so Lorraine heard. A whispered curse of the same repeated words. _Stupid. Mean. Selfish. Weak. Fake. Lost. _Those words defined her, made her, completed her. They were the bones they wanted, wrapped in a wire frame. The figure that had been clinging into her rose in the middle of the room. It traced her bony fingers alone her jawbones. It was taking pleasure.

And Lorraine went back into the numb state she had been for the past weeks. "Are you okay?" Damon asked. She turned to look at him. His soft eyes. Lorraine didn't understand why she did what she did. Why she broke his trust in such a way? She had never understood the power of words, 'till she looked him in the eye and lied.

"Yeah." She said, almost too quickly. "I'm just cold, that's all." It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the truth. Damon smiled. He stood up and placed his favorite leather jacket around her shoulders. The one she had given him on his 21st birthday. It smelled just like him.

It was at moments like this that Lorraine felt most alone. She didn't deserve Damon's romantic and charming personality. Or his humor, his wit, his fascination for danger. She didn't even deserve to be called his girlfriend. And she couldn't tell him that, for fear he wouldn't understand.

She watched him cut his food. She watched him chew it slowly. How could he do it? She couldn't remember the last time she ate without feeling guilty. The last time she did anything without feeling inadequate. She stared down at her food. It was so appetizing. It screamed 'eat me!' in a hundred different languages. She took her fork and knife and slowly started cutting.

First into four pieces, then into eight, sixteen, thirty-two. They were so miniscule. She took the first bite and chewed fifty-six times. Literally. And drank plain water within each bite.

She couldn't even taste it.

Damon watched her when he thought she wouldn't notice. There was something weird about the way she was acting. He leaned forward into the table and held her hand. "I love you, Lorraine. I want you to know that."

Lorraine suddenly stopped and turned to look at Damon. She felt embarrassed about the way he was watching her eat. He was probably disgusted. She gulped. "I- I love you too, Damon." Damon frowned for a moment. She had stuttered when she answered him. Lorraine had never once stuttered. Not even the first time. He had always thought that she was confident about them.

He leaned back against his chair. He was battling thoughts he didn't want to face, but it was getting difficult not to. And Lorraine, she realized her mistake. She wanted to hit her mouth for being so idiotic. The figure next to her just laughed. _"See what happens when you eat?" _It merely whispered.

"You know, your sister called." He said in a colder tone. Lorraine looked up. "Kitty?" Damon nodded. "She wanted to see how you were doing. She said you took off without saying goodbye. She told you had quite a dilemma. That you were taking off because you didn't feel like you mattered if you stayed."

The girl didn't say anything. She looked down. Her cheeks turning an uncomfortable pink color. Why had Kitty called? Couldn't she just let it be? Why did she care?

"Lorraine, you call me at four in the morning, telling me you're coming home. Out of the blue, no explanations. And then you tell me about your father, but you don't tell me about how that made you feel. Lor, what's wrong?" He looked deep into his eyes. She could see the hurt in them. He was begging her to open up. He wanted to heal her. He wanted to save her. But she didn't want to be saved. She couldn't.

"I, uh-" The figure next to her began to brush her hair softly. She whispered painful words in her ear. Her gaze fell on the food, almost half-eaten, in front of her. "I can't tell you."

And that's all Damon needed to hear. He sighed. He was obviously hurt. And when he's hurt, he pushes people away. "Fine. Finish your food and I'll take you home."

Lorraine hurried up. She ate every bite, even though every ounce of her being begged her not to. She didn't want to disappoint him any further. The look in his eyes had been enough.

* * *

Lorraine closed the door to her room as she fell on her knees, sobbing quietly. Damon had dumped her at her door and left without saying goodbye. He didn't want to see her.

Her stomach growled. It pained her more than before. She was angry. Angry at herself for being so stupid. Angry at herself for being so weak. For pushing him away. For hurting him. What kind of human being was she that she wondered through the world inflicting pain on others?

She looked up. Her expression had suddenly maddened. It was a crazy look of pure rage. She dragged herself through her room and into the bathroom. She closed the door, but she didn't lock it. There was no use. While she had been distracted, all her skeletons had left the closet.

She didn't bother to reach for the laxatives that she had hidden in her medicine cabinet. No, she wanted something painful. She dragged herself to the toilet. She placed her finger so far deep into her throat that she coughed as all the food left her body. She was alone. But it didn't matter if she wasn't.

It was getting pretty loud. As she threw up, and choked in the process. She didn't want to take a breath. She didn't want to stop. Nothing she did was good enough. Nothing she did would ever be good enough. No laxative in the world could rid her of this pain.

_So you make your face a mask. A mask that hides your face. A face that hides the pain. The pain that eats at your heart. The heart that no one understands._

She was so sick and dizzy. It didn't make sense, but she couldn't think about it now. All she wanted, all she had to do, was throw up. Hopefully, she would feel better, and then she could find Damon and apologize, and maybe then, he would forgive her.

If she threw up to be pretty. If she starved to be better. If she tortured herself to be so much more.

But she was weak. Everything was sliding in and out of focus. She threw up again. Whatever remained on her insides. She was sure she had already gotten rid of the excess, but it shouldn't end there. She had to get rid of every ounce in her body that made her feel bad. She had to get rid of everything that made Lorraine.

Make me skin and bones.

She wasn't sure how much time it had passed. Her throat was sore. She had pushed it over the limit and now she couldn't keep it.

She fell into the floor and tried to get the world to stop moving. Why was this happening? What had she done to deserve it? Why her? Why them? Why everybody?

She was getting punished for things she had no control over. So she had to demand control.

* * *

It was unusual for Karen to be in the dorm so early. She was the med student and Lorraine's best friend. They had met freshman year and been roommates ever since.

Normally she would be occupied at the library or studying, or hanging out with the crowds Lorraine had so vaguely abandoned. She tossed her purse in the couch and sighed in exhaustion as she hanged her coat. It seemed that there was no one here, so she decided to make it to her advantage and take a nice long bath.

As she made her way to her room she heard the sound of gagging. Shameful, ruthless gagging coming from the inside of Lorraine's room. "Lor? Is that you?" She asked, but no one answered. She walked over to her room and opened the door. The gagging was getting pretty loud. It was a thunder of screams begging for help. And then, it stopped.

Karen turned the doorknob to the side and swung open the bathroom floor. "Lorraine!" She yelled. She saw her friend on the floor, looking as frail and pale, as perfect porcelain. There were a bunch of pills scattered across her. Taunting blue pills and a semi-empty bottle of laxatives. There was still vomit on the toilet and even some spread across Lorraine's mouth. The sight was horrifying, but even so the fact that her friend was not moving.

She knelt down, worried beyond relief. "Lorraine! Wake up. God, what happened? I need to get you to the hospital."

She quickly took out her phone and searched for a number. It ranged once, twice, until it picked up. "Hello?" He asked. Karen almost sighed in relief but there was no time. "Damon, I need your help. It's about Lorraine."

Barely five minutes passed and Damon was already outside the dorm. "Karen? Karen what is it?" He called as he closed the door to the dorm. "In here." She called. Damon followed the sound of her voice, to find the same disturbing sight. "What happened?" He demanded, as his eyes flew open.

"I don't know!" Karen said in desperation. "I had a free night, so I thought about coming home and having a really nice hot bath, but when I get here I start to hear this weird gagging sounds, so I walk over to Lorraine's room and then I find her like this." She was almost crying. She could split open dead bodies and do autopsies, but she could not stand the sight of friends like this.

"Karen, calm down." He said, even though he was having a hard time himself. "Let's take her to the hospital."

Lorraine opened her eyes barely. She could not figure out the shadows in front of her. Her whole body was shaking from exhaustion and dizziness.

"Can she stand?" She heard them say. It was followed by Damon putting his arm around her, lifting her up bridal style and making his way to the car.

Lorraine's eyes were unfocused, as Damon got her into the backseat of his car, Karen driving. "Lor? Are you okay?" But Lorraine couldn't make up words. She retched up, she was breathing heavily. For a moment, Damon thought she might throw up again, but she didn't. Everything around her wobbled in unparalleled circles.

Damon took out the plastic bag he had managed to reach while leaving the dorm. He repositioned himself so that he could get Lorraine to stand. But she was too weak to do so she just fell right into his arms again.

She wanted to sleep, but Damon wasn't letting her. He kept nagging at her, doing silly things like poking her or stroking her hair, to annoy her into awareness.

But her body was stronger than his attempts. She closed her eyes.

When they reached the hospital, Karen helped Damon as they got the girl out. Nurses and doctors rushed towards them from the emergency room. They placed the girl into the stretcher. Damon hurried with them, leaving Karen behind. Leaving everything behind, because all that mattered was the shivering, fragile body of his girlfriend.

And all he could think about was why he had left her alone? What had happened? What did she do?

Then, the doctors pulled him aside, telling him he could not follow her. Not this time. He tried to object but they didn't hear him, because _he _didn't matter. Not at the moment.

He hated it, having to wait. A nurse motioned towards the waiting room and he reluctantly followed.

Seconds, minutes, hours passed as he sat there, anxious. Karen was sitting next to him but she didn't say anything. He was grateful. He didn't want to go on explaining the turn out of events.

Finally, the doctor approached them. "I give you're friends of the patient?" He asked. Damon nodded. "Yeah. I'm Damon Lefevre, Lorraine's boyfriend." He said, extending his hand, which the doctor shook gently. "Mr. Lefevre, I'm Dr. Conrad. With the symptoms that your girlfriend has presented, I'm afraid she has a severe case of dehydration. We've hooked her to an IV, which will bring her back to normal, but we prefer if she stays with us overnight, jut to make sure she's okay."

Damon frowned for a moment, taking it all in. "Dehydration?" The doctor nodded. "Yeah. Has she been sick lately? It is common for people who have diarrhea or throw up excessively to become dehydrated." Damon looked down for a moment. He wasn't sure what to say. He was mostly just stressed over the situation.

"You can come in now." The doctor added.

Damon immediately followed where the doctor pointed. He walked into the room and noticed something that had never occurred to him before.

Lorraine had her eyes closed. She was hooked up to all this machines, cables sticking out every part of her body. She looked helpless and almost frightened. It bothered him that she did not looked peaceful, like when she slept in his arms.

She seemed smaller somehow. Fragile. But he ignored the feeling and walked over to her side. He stroked her hair. Until, she finally opened her eyes.

The light was bright as her pupils adjusted. She was- she was in a hospital room. Her body attached to one of those screens that measured her heart. How had she come to end this way? She hardly recognized anything around her. She didn't want to. And the only thing that was familiar was the sound of her voice, screaming in her ear.

"_Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Why can't you follow anything through to the end?" _

"Hey." She turned around. She was slightly shaken up. She recognized that voice. It was sweeter, it was kind. "Damon." It was barely a whisper. The sound of her voice seemed so strange to her. He smiled at her. "How are you feeling?" But she didn't listen to his question. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have stuttered. I was-" Damon placed his finger over her mouth. "It doesn't matter. I'm sorry I lost my temper with you. I didn't mean it. I'm just glad you're okay." He said.

He continued to stroke her hair. She was so precious, so delicate. A wild rose. He couldn't imagine anything happening to her.

"I guess, I'll just have to force you into drinking more water." He said, attempting at making a joke. Lorraine smiled. "Yeah, I guess."

Please, like _that _was the only thing that needed fixing.

* * *

And so, the semester had ended. Lorraine was finally done. College was done. She could gently whip her hands and say that she had done. She had finished Harvard. Oh, and if her father could see. He would be so proud and-

"I can't believe it's over." Lorraine said as she finished packing her suitcase. All her things had been labeled and packed away into boxes. She would have to get them mailed. "Yeah." Karen said, as she leaned on her doorframe. "Unfortunately for me, I do have to stay the rest of the spring semester, because I actually have a life and I don't spend my summers catching up on future classes."

Lorraine chuckled. "Please, Karen. You're soon to be a doctor. _You _have no life." She said. Karen smiled. She walked over to her friend and gave her a great, big, hug. "I'm going to miss you so much." She said. "I know. Me too."

They stayed like that for a long time. "You have everything settled then?" Lorraine asked as she turned to zip her suitcase. "Yeah. A friend has agreed to share, so I won't go into missing you that much." "Good." Lorraine said.

Just then, Damon walked in the room. "Okay, I got the essentials in the car, and I'll just mail the rest through the next couple of days." He said. "Thanks, babe." Lorraine said as she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissing him softly.

Weeks had passed. No one was talking about the little event that shook the entire west coast. And Lorraine was beyond grateful. Damon had followed on his promise, getting her to drink more and more water. And she complied without excuse. She even drank more than three litters a day. It made her stomach fill up faster.

"Let me get that." Damon said, as he took Lorraine's bags.

There was a moment of silence hanging around her. She looked around. "Lorraine? Are you okay?" Karen asked. She turned to look at her. "Oh, yeah." She said. "It's just, I'm gonna miss this place, you know? So many memories." "I know." Karen said. "Part of me staying is because I don't want to leave. I mean, here we have it all figured out. We know who we are. But out there. Well, I guess college is the last part of our childhood." Lorraine nodded. "Yeah, we're adults now."

She smiled. The two girls walked out of the dorm and into the Yard. Lorraine looked around for a minute. She now knew why they called them "alma maters".

"Hey, you ready?" Damon said. Lorraine smiled. "Yeah, I'm ready." "Let's go then." She gave one last hug to her friend, as she got inside Damon's car. They drove to Boston, where she would take a five o'clock plane to Los Angeles.

Lorraine was reluctant about seeing her family again, but she knew she had to eventually forgive them. Damon had promised to spend Christmas with her. He would go to New York to get some things settled and then he would fly west to see her. She couldn't wait.

She had ended college. She was entering the real world. She couldn't wait.

"_And then there's those times, when you wake up feeling like a failure at the one thing you've given it your hardest."_


	5. My Other Life

**Warning! Contains sexual scene.**

* * *

**Chapter Five**

**_My Other Life_**

_I will never be born in a life like this one. The next one will be better. Like a TV series. There will be no weird people. Those who dare to laugh when someone else is crying. And I will be so beautiful that everyone will look at me when I walk through the streets. I want to have money. So I can do what I please. In such a perfect world, people will see right through each other._

"No. No! Rae, listen to me, I need this, okay? I need a place to stay. Why? Well, because I don't want to be the only freaking 22 year-old still living at her parent's place!" Lorraine shouted frantically into the phone. Ever since she had arrived from Boston she had tried to make living arrangements.

She had lied when Damon had asked her where she was staying. She had lied because it had been almost four years since she had talked to any of her high school friends. When she went off to college she had promised to write, but news flash and she didn't. The first semester she had kept that promise. Once a week for emails, twice for phone calls. But those habits had slowly started to fade away. The distance felt heavier.

Eventually she drifted off into new friends, new parties, studying, and a new life. She had been so desperate to get out of Pasadena, California that eventually she forgot about her home.

She couldn't remember the last time she had sent an email.

"Rae, please. I remember we used to talk about moving in together. We can do that now. Just imagine. We can divide the expenses. I mean, both of us will be working and I don't waste much electricity, or am a bargain when it comes to food. We can totally make this work-"

Lorraine stopped suddenly as Rae gave her the final statement.

"Your boyfriend is moving in? Oh, okay. I understand. Yeah, don't worry about." She hanged up, wanting to toss the cellphone into the pavement. "Dammit!" She muttered through clinched teeth.

This was the second day she had spent at the airport. When she had arrived from Boston she had remained inside the gates. She didn't have the courage, or the mental capacity to take a taxi to Pasadena. Not without it being her last resort, and even then, the thought alone seemed-

She sighed as she placed her hands over her face. The people that passed her by just assumed she was waiting on a delayed plane. That was if they weren't too busy as to pay some attention to something other than their lives.

Defeated, Lorraine stood up. She lost this battle, but what was new about it anyway? She was used to losing, to let her way go by. The girl didn't have anywhere to go. So when she stood at the doorstep of her parent's house, she sighed. And this house was not her home.

She couldn't come to ring the doorbell. She couldn't come to do much but to stare at the door thinking about everything that had happened the last time she was there. How it had been made clear that she was meaningless in her family. She should've stayed in the airport. She felt less of a stranger there.

Knock once. Knock twice.

She needed to find some place else to stay. Even if it was a shitty apartment.

Lorraine took deep breaths as she heard footsteps coming down the stairs. She really shouldn't be here. Not after the fit she had thrown. She could just imagine the looks she would receive.

"_What is she doing here?"_

"_You don't belong here."_

"_Get lost."_

"_Black sheep."_

"_Lost."_

"_Lost!"_

"_LOST!"_

"Lorraine?" She was suddenly pulled back into reality. The girl looked up, trying to wipe the look of fear in her face.

"Hey." She said softly. She studied her brother's face. Lorraine could see the stress lines underneath Justin's alarming red eyes. His skin was pale, and he looked like hadn't slept in months. Well, at least she wasn't the one that looked like hell.

Lorraine walked in when Justin moved aside and they both walked upstairs. They didn't say much, because the suitcase gave away that she was back. Much to her despair.

"Where do you want me to leave this?" Justin asked. The girl sighed.

"I guess my room would suffice." She said. Justin nodded as they walked over to the room. The room that had seen her. The room that knew all her dirty little secrets. That could see underneath all those layers of clothing. She could not go back to that room. Her safe haven had turned to ashes.

Justin turned the doorknob and let them both inside, he placed the suitcase on top of the bed and sighed.

"So, you're back." She nodded. "I'm back." "You want to catch up or something? There's some chocolate ice cream on the fridge." Lorraine cringed at the thought of chocolate ice cream. The mixture of milk fat, sugar, emulsifiers and water running down her esophagus and into her stomach. No. Ice cream was disgusting. Passing 90ºF it melted on the cone and poured all over. It was sticky and yucky and so terribly hard to wash.

"Sure, we can catch up." _But not eat. _

They walked over to the kitchen. Justin took out two spoons and placed them in front of Lorraine. Listening to the sound of the fridge door opening was vacant and distant in her mind. It reminded her that she needed to be hydrating herself constantly. It reminded her of the scare she had given Damon that night when he and Karen had found her on the bathroom floor with vomit all over her.

She couldn't imagine what it must have been like for her boyfriend to look at her all hooked up to tubes and IVs, listening to a doctor say all sorts of technicalities. She was such a horrible human being. Any luck, and that night she would've slipped completely and never wake up.

If she had asked nicely, would the nurse pick up the scalpel and drive it through her heart? Put her out of her misery?

_What the hell was she thinking? _

Justin placed the bucket of ice cream on the counter before them. It was alarmingly big. A liter or so. She tried to turn it over to see the nutrition facts, but she could barely see anything over the small pieces of ice entrusted on the bucket.

"I'm assuming Mom doesn't know you're here." Justin said. Lorraine had to forcefully move her face from the bucket in order to look at her brother. It was freezing in here. Even though she knew the weather outside was nice.

"No, she doesn't. I'm stuck here until I can get my own place." She said.

"Why are you wearing a coat? It's not even that cold."

"Well, I am cold. It's freaking freezing in here." Justin looked at her, noticing for the first time the spoon in front of her was untouched. He raised and eyebrow, wondering what was wrong. He liked to think he was close with his siblings, but Lorraine and himself share another sort of bond. They were closer in age. Closer than what either of them had with any of their other siblings.

Sarah was older than Lorraine by eighteen years.

"Lorraine, what's wrong?" He asked. The blonde looked at him for a moment, an intense look on her face. She knew she couldn't tell him. She could lie, but there was something in her brother's gaze that was determined to come to the end of it, whether she told him or not.

_I am so bored of my nightmares that never cease to leave me alone. I don't care about anything anymore. I want them to leave and let me breathe. Because I am not what you think. I am going to feel well._

"I'll show you mine if you show me yours." She said.

Justin sighed, but a smile traced his face. Lorraine wasn't oblivious enough to let that smile fool her. Although Justin tried to make it look like it was no big deal, she could see that up to some extent, it bothered him.

Like it would bother her to admit the truth.

"I overdosed. Everyone freaked out and overreacted. And now, now I'm here." His eyes drifted for a moment. His gaze followed a train of thought that Lorraine couldn't keep up with. She wondered what he might be thinking. Did he resent her for not being there when it all happened?

"But none of that sucks as much as this." He turned to look at her, straight in the eyes. "I have to go back. I have to report back for duty." Lorraine looked at him with disbelief. Her eyes grew big over the shock. Out of everything, she had not expected this. He had to go back? Not to Afghanistan! Not anywhere! He had to stay here. It was bad enough that he overdosed, but to go back…

"Shit." She murmured under her breath. "Yeah." He said, taking another big spoonful of ice cream. Lorraine tried to think of something nice to say, something reassuring, but nothing crossed her mind. For a moment she thought about not saying anything at all, but that might come off as insensitive, and she didn't want to make more damage.

More damage than what her mere presence already caused.

"What are you gonna do?" Justin shrugged. "Honestly, I don't know." They stood silent for a moment. Her stomach growled in a fierce way. She felt her insides squish and twist into a million little knots. It was a tempting pain. A terrible, excruciating pain. Menstrual cramps suddenly seemed heaven compared to this. She flinched. She hated hunger pains. They were almost unbearable, impossible to ignore.

She prayed he hadn't listened to anything. But he did notice how she clenched her fists and hugged her stomach tightly.

"What about you?" He asked, casually, taking another big spoonful.

Lorraine sighed. She looked at him for just a second. "You have to promise me, you're not going to tell anyone. Especially not Mom." Justin nodded; joke in hand but keeping quiet by the seriousness of her words. She turned to look at the floor, avoiding his gaze completely. She couldn't say it, not looking at him. It was too shameful.

"I was in the hospital for dehydration. Just a few days. But I did scare Damon. I don't want to tell Mom because she'll freak and have me chained to a bed like you and-" She stopped for a moment, realizing she might have said something she shouldn't have.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way." Justin shrugged. "I know. But that's not why I looked at you with concern." He said trying to soften his expression. "I mean, dehydration? That's pretty serious. Are you okay? How it happen?" Lorraine shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I just forgot to drink as much water as I'm used to. But don't worry. I'm all better now."

_You wish… _

Then the kitchen door opened, and in walked Nora, holding some groceries. She stood silent for a moment, as she looked from Lorraine to Justin then back to Lorraine.

"Oh my! Lorraine, you're home!" She said as she placed the shopping bags on the counter and walked over to greet her daughter.

"I didn't know you were coming back today? Are you staying here? Oh, I'm so glad you're back. I'll make your favorite dinner. You must be glad you're done with the cold!"

Lorraine gulped as she broke off the hug with Nora.

"Actually Mom, I'm going for dinner with some friends. So don't worry. Next time, okay?"

Nora looked slightly disappointed but given the circumstances she nodded. "Oh, okay."

"I'll go settle in." Lorraine said as she walked away from them and went to her room.

_All the lies you tell. Eventually they won't believe you. _

The voices screamed in her ear. She felt as though they were playing with her head, bouncing it back and forth. _You don't belong here. There is no place to go. Run into the horizon. Perhaps you'll fall down the edge of the Earth._

She closed the door behind her and locked it. Ran to her bathroom and locked it. Before she knew, she threw up. It was a pathetic mixture of phlegm and water. Nothing came out, because there was nothing there. She had not eaten in three days. Her head was spinning. That ice cream had seemed delicious. But she couldn't get herself to do it. It was too much.

_Starving _was the only thing she was good at.

If she was good at anything anymore.

Lorraine took off every layer of clothing she had on. She ripped it off in desperation. Tears were falling down her eyes and she was coughing. She could feel her whole world spinning, but nothing mattered. Nothing except the number on the scale.

She stepped in. Closed her eyes. The number appeared. She dared to open them, just to take a peek. Ninety-eight pounds. Goal Weight Number One. She didn't smile. It wasn't an accomplishment. It was mandatory. It was about fucking security.

She fell down to the floor and sobbed. She wrapped her arms around her legs and pushed them close to her chest. Her breasts were slowly disappearing. _She _was slowly disappearing and she didn't even realize it. Lorraine couldn't see past nothing more than the number.

A number.

Ninety-eight pounds.

_Ninety-eight fucking pounds. _

She wanted ninety-five.

* * *

"All right now girls, I want you to think carefully. This is a very big decision." Nora said told her daughter and granddaughter as they walked through the endless rows of Christmas trees.

The only reason Lorraine had agreed to come was because she got to spend some time with Paige. She loved her so. But as she received text message and text message from Damon, she couldn't help but seem a little distant.

"This trees smell funny." Paige said. "Oh no," Nora chuckled. "They smell like winter and Christmas." _And it's all so goddamn stupid. _Lorraine rolled her eyes.

"Oh, look at this. It's beautiful." Nora said w hen she stepped in front of a tall, big tree. "This. This could be it. What do you think, Lorraine?" Lorraine looked up for the first time form her phone, without even looking much at the tree. "Oh yeah, yeah." She said, before turning around to keep on texting.

Nora sighed, but proceeded to ask for the tree. "Sir, we'd like to get this tree." She said, raising her voice. The man looked at her and nodded. "Be right there." "Great, thanks."

"Dammit Damon, please answer your phone. I'm tired of texting you." Lorraine muttered under her breath. She placed the phone on her ear for the seventeenth time, when something caught her eye.

"Why? Why do you need God to listen?" Nora asked her granddaughter. "To make me better." Paige said sadly. Lorraine gasped as she heard her niece mutter those words. To make her better?

"Oh, Paige. Do you think God will cure your diabetes if you were Jewish?" Nora asked, holding her shoulders. "I've been praying but I'm still not better. Maybe it's because I'm not Jewish enough." "Is that why you want to celebrate Hanukkah?" Paige sniffled, as one small tear fell across her cheek. "Oh, honey. Honey." Nora hugged Paige as the young one sobbed.

Lorraine looked at her and could feel the guilt rising from her heart. If she could do anything to make Paige better, she would. But that was one impossible dream. She could not play the hero. Might as well stop pretending.

While her niece was in pain over something she could not control, something she hadn't brought on herself, Lorraine was standing there, still on her phone, suffering in the most selfish way, over something she desired. She was sick because she wanted. And that was unforgivable.

* * *

_Get out of my way. I'm angry at you. Within sparks of happiness, I've escaped reality. Everything drives me crazy. I don't agree with anything, ever since I learned how to speak. I don't fit in with people. I'm always in my own little world. I can't help it._

Disappointment after disappointment. It never seems to end, does it? Her face looks like a sweaty mirror. The vapor covering every single corner of what is right and existent, while her mind plays games and makes her believe the figure in front of her, all swollen and distorted, is who she is.

For a moment, Lorraine can't fight it any more. The pain inside her is too much. Her heart races up and gets stuck on her throat. She can't breathe, she can't talk. She can feel the beatings on her esophagus, threatening to make her sick. Her whole body is mocking her, because it refuses to die in the way that she wants.

It refuses to obey and do what she says.

Today is Hanukah. There is music down stairs, people gather around and presents. She doesn't celebrate Hanukah. She is not Jewish. Her father was no Jewish. She possesses no religion. Everyone knows she's wronged and misguided. They splash her with red paint and draw a cross across her face. Wrong.

Lorraine does not wish to come down. She's dressed up. She has makeup on. She has fixed her hair. If she comes down those stairs no one will notice something wrong. She would look beautiful and radiant and great like she has always looked. Her thick clothes will cover the scars that she inflicted upon her stomach.

If she comes down she will be tempted to act like everyone else. To be happy, if only for one small second. If she comes down she might lose her way in all the food and laughter that goes around. But most importantly, if she goes down she will remember how lonely she really is.

Damon is not here. He's not Jewish. He will come for Christmas like he promised. But today is Hanukah. Lorraine has not seen him in almost a month. She missed him terribly.

She regrets all the things she never got to do with him. She's 22 years old, and she has never let him inside of her. How she wished he could be here and let him in, completely. Show him, in every aspect, how much she loves him. Lorraine wanted to make love to him. For the very first time. But how could she let him see her when she could barely let herself?

_Just shut up. _

She had to have some dignity left. She had to. She couldn't be that _ . . . _

So she walked down the stairs to do something productive with her time. As she glanced around the big house she couldn't help but roll her eyes. Nora had pushed her intensity levels over the maximum. No surprise there. It was all so Jewish and fake and overwhelming. In her 22 years, this was the first time David's Star hanged somewhere in the house.

But this was all for Paige, and is she could stop being so goddamn conceited for a moment, she would understand that there was something missing inside that girl. The least she could do was help her find it.

Lorraine walked over to a table and poured herself some wine. She drowned the first glass in no less than ten minutes and proceeded to pour another glass.

She wondered how many glasses it would take to get her completely wasted. She wasn't much of an alcoholic, but sometimes it helped soothe everything else. It was a way of tuning out life. Have it shut up for a bit.

But it wouldn't be wise to do that here. She wouldn't be setting a good example for Paige and Cooper… If that even mattered anymore.

Suddenly she felt a pair of strong arms tighten across her waste. At first she was self-conscious, fearing what this person might say at such intimate contact. The stranger sniffled her hair and gently bit her ear in slow but passionate bites. The realization that this sort of approach was not adequate on a first name basis made Lorraine think about the only person who ever touched her in such a way.

She turned around almost immediately, to a pair of shiny sky blue eyes. The blue eyes lit up when she did. A smile traced his face.

"Damon." And a genuine smile traced hers.

"Hey." He said in his alluring tone. He kept his hands around her waist and pulled towards him. Their lips met for a long second. They kissed softly. Her fingers played in between his dark hairs. She had missed the warmth of his skin, the softness of his lips. She missed biting his lower plump lip.

When they broke apart, much to her dismay, they gazed deeply into each other's eyes. Lorraine wanted to look away. She felt uncomfortable with the way he was seemed to be looking at her. As though he could see what was inside her soul. She wondered if he could read from within the lines of terror and tortured and spread across her body. She wondered if he could see how she was slowly wasting away.

For a moment she wished he didn't look at her as though she was the most beautiful thing in the world. She wanted him to see her as she was. A shadow. A reflection. Something that was trapped between both worlds. Something that didn't _exist_.

"What are you doing here? I thought you were coming until Christmas." She said softly. Damon smiled and placed a stand of blonde hair behind her ear.

"Your mom invited me. She wanted me to be a surprise."

She wanted to kiss him, to undress every part of his body, to touch him, to feel him. She wanted to let him in. She was desperate in knowing how it felt to have his body pressing against hers. Lorraine wanted, perhaps more than anything, perhaps without even realizing it, to feel normal and pure and human again. Like a person and not an object.

So she did.

Lorraine took his hand and led him up to her room. The people around them had all gathered around to listen to Saul as he introduced the spirit of Hanukah.

A step before reaching the top she could hear the words as an echo.

"_Judaism teaches us to accept whatever obstacles are placed in front of us. And sometimes they are seemingly insurmountable."_

Seemingly insurmountable.

The pain here. As she hold on to his hand, terrified beyond belief to let go, to ever let go. As she became distressed in even thinking about the possibility of ending up alone. To fight. To watch. When it hurts so much we can't breathe. When it hurts so much we would do whatever it took to bring it to an end. When it hurts so much we can't handle it. Helpless and scared and buried within our own pile of ashes. Stuck in the deepest and most sacred reaching of our heart, trying and failing to pull it together with hand-made bandages.

When we realize that maybe, just maybe we're worth saving. When we stand up, shake the ashes and keep going, despite how useless it seems. Watching the odds pointing against us, making bets on our lives. When we keep going, even when we don't need to, that's how we survive. No, that's how we stay alive.

Because no matter how much it seems to suck, how much we hate it, if we're stuck in our own hell, the only way to get out is to move forward. Nothing lasts forever, and eventually there has to be a way out.

They closed the door to her room. They turned off the lights, except for a slightly dim lit that rested on both her night tables. She sat at the edge of her bed. He leaned on top of her. They started to take off each other's clothes slowly and gently. She unbuttoned his dark navy shirt and pulled off his pants.

When they were completely naked, and she lay underneath him, she traced his fingers through his torso, through his back. She didn't look. Her eyes remained close as she memorized the touch. She wanted to know him in a way no one did. She wanted to be able to know each part of his body without the clouded judgment of her sight.

They started kissing. They started making out. He kissed her neck and worked his way down her collarbones. His lips gently pressed against her brittle skin. They had done this before and his memory perturbed Damon. His traces remembered her warm and soft skin, as delicate as a baby's.

This felt wasted and rotten.

Damon massaged her breasts. He did slow motions. He had thought they had been bigger, much bigger. As he placed his hand over them, he completely covered them. He leaned closely and sucked on her nipples. She liked that. She liked that very much. He would press at them gently while his remaining fingers played with her insides, preparing her for the moment.

But there was something oddly discomforting.

Lorraine was moaning intently, her eyes where closed as she rested completely emancipated. She was lost between the lust and reality. That moment when everything seems surreal.

Damon had prepared for this moment his entire life. Like any young boy, he had wondered, fantasized even, about how it would feel to be inside a girl. To have sex with her. Damon was not a virgin, but he had never had sex with Lorraine before.

Lorraine, on the contrary, was. Within all reason, she honestly couldn't understand why now of all moments was she letting him inside her. She was vulnerable and utterly self-conscious. What passed through her mind that allowed him to _see _her? He was seeing her completely naked.

He could see all the fat, grotesquely hanging from her bones that so desperately wanted to be seen.

When he felt it was time, Damon proceeded to push himself inside her. Lorraine groaned. It was a pain she had never felt before. He approached her slowly and it felt as though he was ripping a piece of her skin in half. She wanted to scream, but knew she couldn't. Her hands grabbed at the frame of her bed and squished it harshly.

She was now perpetually terrified.

Damon was enjoying it in ways he couldn't describe. Having sex is an experience that can't be simply narrated. It's all about physical contact. The closest you can get with another human being. It is wonderful and magical. The mere thought of being connected at the most fragile of points is an idea beyond comprehension.

It is beautiful.

But up to a certain point, Damon was struggling. He wanted to lie completely on top of her and slowly push himself more sternly; and that's when he began to notice how small Lorraine was.

Bones were sticking out where they definitely shouldn't be. He could count her ribs and watch her pelvic bones drawn so tight over her skin that it looked _painful. _Not even her hair had the same shine he remembered. It was dull and brittle. She had bags under her eyes as though she had not slept in days.

Damon wondered what had happened to her. She was a lot thinner than he remembered. Sickly so.

_These pieces belong to my other life. The one I keep hidden. The one that no one sees, because it's ugly and weird and twisted. But if you ever come to knowing it, then you'll realize I'm slowly fading away. _


End file.
